1 00:00:00,967 --> 00:00:02,301 Kevin Malone, you're next. 2 00:00:02,303 --> 00:00:04,937 Spit that out. 3 00:00:04,939 --> 00:00:07,373 Spit... okay, come on. Let's go. 4 00:00:11,277 --> 00:00:13,245 You look cute today, Dwight. 5 00:00:14,147 --> 00:00:15,514 Thanks, girl. 6 00:00:18,451 --> 00:00:20,419 So, yesterday, Dwight found half a joint 7 00:00:20,421 --> 00:00:21,854 in the parking lot. 8 00:00:21,856 --> 00:00:24,156 Which is unfortunate, because, as it turns out, 9 00:00:24,158 --> 00:00:26,058 Dwight finding drugs is more dangerous 10 00:00:26,060 --> 00:00:27,926 than most people using drugs. 11 00:00:27,928 --> 00:00:30,062 Let's go over some of the symptoms 12 00:00:30,064 --> 00:00:32,898 of marijuana use, shall we? 13 00:00:32,900 --> 00:00:35,434 You tell me who this sounds like. 14 00:00:35,436 --> 00:00:37,936 Slow moving. 15 00:00:37,938 --> 00:00:39,571 Inattentive. 16 00:00:39,573 --> 00:00:41,573 Dull. 17 00:00:41,575 --> 00:00:44,643 Constantly snacking. 18 00:00:44,645 --> 00:00:47,913 Shows a lack of motivation. 19 00:00:50,483 --> 00:00:51,550 Hey. 20 00:00:52,085 --> 00:00:54,820 I like the people I work with generally. 21 00:00:54,822 --> 00:00:56,688 With four exceptions. 22 00:00:56,690 --> 00:00:59,091 But someone committed a crime. 23 00:00:59,093 --> 00:01:00,726 And I did not become a Lackawanna County 24 00:01:00,728 --> 00:01:04,163 Volunteer Sheriff's Deputy to make friends. 25 00:01:04,165 --> 00:01:06,198 And by the way, I haven't. 26 00:01:38,865 --> 00:01:43,235 I enjoy the tangy zip of Miracle Whip. 27 00:01:44,672 --> 00:01:46,672 Jim does the best impressions. 28 00:01:46,674 --> 00:01:48,240 Sometimes he'll look up at me from his desk 29 00:01:48,242 --> 00:01:50,342 and he'll just be someone else. 30 00:01:50,344 --> 00:01:51,977 Like, he'll go, um... 31 00:01:58,351 --> 00:02:00,619 That was supposed to be Phyllis. 32 00:02:00,621 --> 00:02:02,020 I can't do it as good as he can. 33 00:02:02,022 --> 00:02:04,523 And the guys are saying, "Chug chug chug." 34 00:02:04,525 --> 00:02:06,758 But I'm so small and all I'd eaten that day 35 00:02:06,760 --> 00:02:08,160 was one of those Auntie M pretzels 36 00:02:08,162 --> 00:02:09,528 from the food court. 37 00:02:09,530 --> 00:02:11,763 So I said, "Is it okay if I sip it?" 38 00:02:11,765 --> 00:02:12,764 And they said no. 39 00:02:12,766 --> 00:02:13,966 But Ryan seemed cool either way. 40 00:02:13,968 --> 00:02:15,400 Stop! 41 00:02:15,402 --> 00:02:18,537 This is not Kelly Kapur story hour. 42 00:02:18,539 --> 00:02:22,474 Illegal drugs were consumed on company property, okay? 43 00:02:22,476 --> 00:02:24,810 Your ass is on the line, Mister! 44 00:02:24,812 --> 00:02:26,545 My ass is on the line. 45 00:02:26,547 --> 00:02:28,080 Now, I'm gonna ask you again. 46 00:02:28,082 --> 00:02:31,683 What time did you go home last night? 47 00:02:31,685 --> 00:02:33,018 6:00. 48 00:02:40,426 --> 00:02:42,094 I didn't know that you were at a party Saturday night. 49 00:02:42,096 --> 00:02:44,796 I go to a lot of parties. 50 00:02:44,798 --> 00:02:46,965 Okay, I'm gonna need to search your car. 51 00:02:46,967 --> 00:02:48,300 Give me your keys. 52 00:02:48,302 --> 00:02:49,434 I am not giving you my keys. 53 00:02:49,436 --> 00:02:50,836 Don't make me do this the hard way. 54 00:02:50,838 --> 00:02:51,970 What's the hard way? 55 00:02:51,972 --> 00:02:54,306 I go down to the police station 56 00:02:54,308 --> 00:02:55,607 on my lunch break. 57 00:02:55,609 --> 00:02:56,942 I tell a police officer... 58 00:02:56,944 --> 00:02:58,510 I know several. 59 00:02:58,512 --> 00:03:00,479 What I suspect you may have in your car. 60 00:03:00,481 --> 00:03:01,747 He requests a hearing from a judge 61 00:03:01,749 --> 00:03:03,081 and obtains a search warrant. 62 00:03:03,083 --> 00:03:04,283 Once he has said warrant, 63 00:03:04,285 --> 00:03:07,386 he will drive over here and make you give him 64 00:03:07,388 --> 00:03:08,854 the keys to your car. 65 00:03:08,856 --> 00:03:10,856 And you will have to obey him. 66 00:03:10,858 --> 00:03:12,558 Yeah, let's do it that way. 67 00:03:12,560 --> 00:03:14,059 Ryan, is he bugging you? 68 00:03:14,061 --> 00:03:15,494 Dwight, dude, 69 00:03:15,496 --> 00:03:17,663 you gotta take a chill pill, man. 70 00:03:17,665 --> 00:03:21,266 It was one joint in the parking lot, you know? 71 00:03:21,268 --> 00:03:23,569 You're totally harshing the office mellow. 72 00:03:23,571 --> 00:03:24,570 I can't stop this investigation. 73 00:03:24,572 --> 00:03:25,704 It is my job. 74 00:03:25,706 --> 00:03:27,239 Whoa, you are a volunteer. 75 00:03:27,241 --> 00:03:28,740 I volunteered for this job. 76 00:03:28,742 --> 00:03:29,942 And that's not the same. 77 00:03:29,944 --> 00:03:31,143 It is my duty... Volunteer duty, 78 00:03:31,145 --> 00:03:32,711 to investigate the crime scene. 79 00:03:32,713 --> 00:03:34,346 I have six more interviews to go. 80 00:03:34,348 --> 00:03:36,648 And then I will reveal what I know. 81 00:03:36,650 --> 00:03:38,250 Narc! 82 00:03:39,419 --> 00:03:41,153 If you are attempting to compliment me, 83 00:03:41,155 --> 00:03:42,187 you have done a very good job. 84 00:03:42,189 --> 00:03:43,488 I wasn't attempting to compliment you. 85 00:03:43,490 --> 00:03:44,690 Well, you have. 86 00:03:44,692 --> 00:03:46,091 Because being a narc is one of the hardest jobs 87 00:03:46,093 --> 00:03:47,259 that you can have. Okay. 88 00:03:47,261 --> 00:03:48,460 And I am very proud of being a narc. 89 00:03:48,462 --> 00:03:49,461 Why don't you just cool it? 90 00:03:49,463 --> 00:03:51,029 Cool it, Dwight, please? 91 00:03:51,031 --> 00:03:52,030 God. 92 00:03:52,032 --> 00:03:53,699 Dude, where's my office? 93 00:03:53,701 --> 00:03:55,667 I totally lost it! 94 00:03:55,669 --> 00:03:56,802 'Cause I was half-baked! 95 00:03:56,804 --> 00:04:00,305 Smoking doobies! Doobie Brothers. 96 00:04:00,307 --> 00:04:03,275 I was smoking doobies with my brothers. 97 00:04:03,277 --> 00:04:05,510 Peace out! Seacrest. 98 00:04:07,280 --> 00:04:09,047 Well, your office is behind you. 99 00:04:09,049 --> 00:04:10,115 Thanks. 100 00:04:10,117 --> 00:04:11,650 Mmmunchies. 101 00:04:11,652 --> 00:04:12,851 Who wants some munchies? 102 00:04:12,853 --> 00:04:15,520 I don't think Michael's ever done drugs. 103 00:04:16,456 --> 00:04:19,191 I don't know if anyone's ever offered him any. 104 00:04:19,193 --> 00:04:21,893 Oscar visited Mexico when he was five 105 00:04:21,895 --> 00:04:24,263 to attend his great grandmother's funeral. 106 00:04:24,265 --> 00:04:25,831 What does that mean to a United States 107 00:04:25,833 --> 00:04:27,599 law enforcement officer? 108 00:04:28,801 --> 00:04:30,369 He's a potential drug mule. 109 00:04:30,371 --> 00:04:32,871 Have you ever taken any illegal drugs? 110 00:04:32,873 --> 00:04:34,072 No, I have not. 111 00:04:34,074 --> 00:04:36,375 Do you think it's possible that maybe 112 00:04:36,377 --> 00:04:38,410 you could have had some drugs in your system 113 00:04:38,412 --> 00:04:40,779 without you knowing about it? 114 00:04:40,781 --> 00:04:42,781 What are you implying? 115 00:04:42,783 --> 00:04:44,916 Have you ever... 116 00:04:45,785 --> 00:04:48,887 pooped a balloon? 117 00:04:51,157 --> 00:04:54,293 Okay, I'm done with this. 118 00:05:00,933 --> 00:05:02,668 He sure left in a hurry. 119 00:05:02,670 --> 00:05:04,036 I don't wanna blow this. 120 00:05:04,038 --> 00:05:05,871 This is what all good law enforcement officers 121 00:05:05,873 --> 00:05:07,539 dream of. 122 00:05:07,541 --> 00:05:11,410 The chance to solve an actual crime. 123 00:05:11,412 --> 00:05:13,712 Do you know what this is? 124 00:05:13,714 --> 00:05:15,414 Yes, it's marijuana. 125 00:05:15,416 --> 00:05:16,848 How do you know that? 126 00:05:17,483 --> 00:05:18,650 It's labeled. 127 00:05:20,286 --> 00:05:21,320 Dammit. 128 00:05:22,423 --> 00:05:27,259 That is Northern Lights Cannabis Indica. 129 00:05:27,261 --> 00:05:29,861 No. 130 00:05:29,863 --> 00:05:31,463 It's marijuana. 131 00:05:31,465 --> 00:05:32,597 I'm just saying that you can't be sure 132 00:05:32,599 --> 00:05:33,799 that it wasn't you. 133 00:05:33,801 --> 00:05:35,434 That's ridiculous. Of course it wasn't me. 134 00:05:35,436 --> 00:05:38,203 Marijuana is a memory loss drug. 135 00:05:38,205 --> 00:05:39,404 So maybe you just don't remember. 136 00:05:39,406 --> 00:05:40,539 I would remember. 137 00:05:40,541 --> 00:05:41,640 Well, how could you 138 00:05:41,642 --> 00:05:42,641 of it just erased your memory? 139 00:05:42,643 --> 00:05:43,742 That's not how it works. 140 00:05:43,744 --> 00:05:45,977 Now, how do you know how it works? 141 00:05:45,979 --> 00:05:47,546 Knock it off, okay? I am interviewing you. 142 00:05:47,548 --> 00:05:49,648 No, you said that I'd be conducting the interview 143 00:05:49,650 --> 00:05:50,916 when I walked in here. 144 00:05:50,918 --> 00:05:53,018 Now, exactly how much pot did you smoke? 145 00:05:55,088 --> 00:05:57,889 So, Pam told me you do a great Stanley impression. 146 00:05:57,891 --> 00:05:59,024 I'd love to hear it. 147 00:05:59,026 --> 00:06:00,726 Oh, um... 148 00:06:02,061 --> 00:06:04,329 Why do you keep CC'ing me on things 149 00:06:04,331 --> 00:06:06,732 that have nothing to do with me? 150 00:06:06,734 --> 00:06:08,433 Why do you... 151 00:06:08,435 --> 00:06:09,568 Oh. 152 00:06:09,570 --> 00:06:10,836 Is that supposed to be me? 153 00:06:10,838 --> 00:06:12,337 Oh, hey, Stanley. 154 00:06:12,339 --> 00:06:13,572 I was just doing an impression. 155 00:06:13,574 --> 00:06:16,141 I do not think that is funny. 156 00:06:17,677 --> 00:06:20,078 He does everyone in the office. 157 00:06:20,080 --> 00:06:21,146 Hmm. 158 00:06:26,085 --> 00:06:28,720 I do not think that is funny. 159 00:06:28,722 --> 00:06:29,921 Jinx. Buy me a coke. 160 00:06:29,923 --> 00:06:31,690 No no no! No talking. 161 00:06:35,395 --> 00:06:36,528 Jim is not allowed to talk 162 00:06:36,530 --> 00:06:38,764 until after he buys me a coke. 163 00:06:38,766 --> 00:06:39,931 Those are the rules of jinx. 164 00:06:39,933 --> 00:06:41,967 And they are unflinchingly rigid. 165 00:06:49,475 --> 00:06:50,742 Sold out! 166 00:06:50,744 --> 00:06:54,279 That has never happened in the history of jinx! 167 00:06:55,448 --> 00:06:57,149 Sorry, that's not my problem. 168 00:07:05,725 --> 00:07:07,359 I know you're innocent. 169 00:07:07,361 --> 00:07:08,593 But I can't look like I'm treating you 170 00:07:08,595 --> 00:07:10,429 any differently. 171 00:07:10,431 --> 00:07:11,630 I understand. 172 00:07:12,999 --> 00:07:15,200 Where were you yesterday after work? 173 00:07:16,202 --> 00:07:18,236 Uh-oh. Uh-oh. 174 00:07:18,238 --> 00:07:19,304 Who's he calling? 175 00:07:19,306 --> 00:07:20,639 Rattin' somebody out. 176 00:07:20,641 --> 00:07:22,707 Narc. Narc! 177 00:07:22,709 --> 00:07:23,708 Kevin. 178 00:07:23,710 --> 00:07:25,043 That is so good, Michael. 179 00:07:25,045 --> 00:07:26,044 Remember the narc bit? 180 00:07:27,781 --> 00:07:28,914 I will let them know. 181 00:07:28,916 --> 00:07:30,348 Uh-oh. Who's in trouble? 182 00:07:30,350 --> 00:07:31,783 Attention, everyone! 183 00:07:31,785 --> 00:07:33,718 Drug testers are coming in a couple hours 184 00:07:33,720 --> 00:07:36,188 to test everyone's urine. 185 00:07:36,190 --> 00:07:38,356 Wha... What? 186 00:07:38,358 --> 00:07:39,658 What are you talking about? Company policy. 187 00:07:39,660 --> 00:07:41,426 If drugs are found on the premises, 188 00:07:41,428 --> 00:07:43,228 there is automatic drug testing 189 00:07:43,230 --> 00:07:45,397 conducted within 24 hours. 190 00:07:45,399 --> 00:07:47,332 Is that true, Toby? 191 00:07:47,334 --> 00:07:49,267 Uh, when you sign your job application 192 00:07:49,269 --> 00:07:51,670 you agree to comply with random drug testing. 193 00:07:54,740 --> 00:07:57,275 Two nights ago I went to an Alicia Keys concert 194 00:07:57,277 --> 00:07:59,010 at Montage Mountain Performing Arts Center. 195 00:07:59,012 --> 00:08:00,579 I scored these great aisle seats. 196 00:08:00,581 --> 00:08:02,481 Anyway, after the opening act, 197 00:08:02,483 --> 00:08:04,349 this beautiful girl sits down next to me. 198 00:08:04,351 --> 00:08:06,318 And I never get to meet girls with lip rings. 199 00:08:06,320 --> 00:08:08,220 And she had one. 200 00:08:08,222 --> 00:08:09,921 I don't know exactly how this happened, 201 00:08:09,923 --> 00:08:12,190 but one of her friends started passing around 202 00:08:12,192 --> 00:08:13,458 some stuff. 203 00:08:13,460 --> 00:08:14,993 And they said that it was clove cigarettes. 204 00:08:14,995 --> 00:08:17,095 And I'm sure that it was clove cigarettes. 205 00:08:17,097 --> 00:08:19,264 Everybody in the aisle was doing it. 206 00:08:19,266 --> 00:08:21,366 Okay, attention, everyone. 207 00:08:21,368 --> 00:08:23,335 The drug testing has been cancelled. 208 00:08:23,337 --> 00:08:24,870 Instead, I will be going around 209 00:08:24,872 --> 00:08:27,806 to each of you and doing a visual inspection. 210 00:08:27,808 --> 00:08:28,940 No, you can't do that. 211 00:08:28,942 --> 00:08:29,975 I can do that. 212 00:08:29,977 --> 00:08:30,976 It is my office. 213 00:08:30,978 --> 00:08:32,010 No, you cannot. 214 00:08:32,012 --> 00:08:33,745 It has to be official. 215 00:08:33,747 --> 00:08:35,914 And it has to be urine. 216 00:08:40,887 --> 00:08:42,053 Uh... all right. 217 00:08:49,395 --> 00:08:52,264 Kevin, what prescription drugs are you taking 218 00:08:52,266 --> 00:08:53,298 besides Rogaine? 219 00:08:53,300 --> 00:08:55,734 I'm not taking Rogaine. 220 00:08:55,736 --> 00:08:57,402 Angela, what about you? 221 00:08:57,404 --> 00:08:59,671 I don't take any prescription drugs. 222 00:08:59,673 --> 00:09:02,607 You're not... on anything? 223 00:09:05,645 --> 00:09:06,745 Good. 224 00:09:10,082 --> 00:09:11,950 So, the first time we went out to dinner, 225 00:09:11,952 --> 00:09:13,652 it was like, whatever, fine. 226 00:09:13,654 --> 00:09:15,120 But I was so nervous. 227 00:09:15,122 --> 00:09:17,489 So this time, I want it to be special. 228 00:09:17,491 --> 00:09:18,924 So I bought a new dress! 229 00:09:18,926 --> 00:09:20,358 One of those kinds that's kind of low cut 230 00:09:20,360 --> 00:09:21,593 at the top to show some things 231 00:09:21,595 --> 00:09:22,994 but not everything. 232 00:09:22,996 --> 00:09:25,063 I mean, not everything, Jim. I promise. 233 00:09:25,065 --> 00:09:26,932 Hey, you guys. What's going on? 234 00:09:26,934 --> 00:09:29,668 Oh, we're just having the best conversation. 235 00:09:29,670 --> 00:09:31,436 Oh, okay... well, Michael wants to see everyone 236 00:09:31,438 --> 00:09:33,138 in the conference room. 237 00:09:33,140 --> 00:09:35,807 But you know what? We have a few minutes. 238 00:09:35,809 --> 00:09:38,310 So you guys should definitely finish up your conversation. 239 00:09:38,312 --> 00:09:39,377 Cool, thanks. 240 00:09:41,914 --> 00:09:45,083 So I was looking so hot... 241 00:09:45,085 --> 00:09:47,452 It has come to my attention 242 00:09:47,454 --> 00:09:52,624 that some people here think the use of drugs 243 00:09:52,626 --> 00:09:54,492 is something to laugh about. 244 00:09:54,494 --> 00:09:55,627 We don't feel that way. 245 00:09:55,629 --> 00:09:56,695 No, not at all. 246 00:09:56,697 --> 00:09:57,729 You were the one joking around 247 00:09:57,731 --> 00:09:58,863 calling Dwight a narc. 248 00:09:58,865 --> 00:10:00,832 No. Uh, no. 249 00:10:00,834 --> 00:10:03,435 That was a test. I was testing you. 250 00:10:03,437 --> 00:10:04,970 And you all failed. 251 00:10:05,938 --> 00:10:07,372 Miserably. 252 00:10:07,374 --> 00:10:09,708 When I said that Dwight was a narc, 253 00:10:09,710 --> 00:10:10,875 how many of you defended him? 254 00:10:10,877 --> 00:10:12,744 How many of you said, "Hey, you know what? 255 00:10:12,746 --> 00:10:13,945 "He's right. 256 00:10:13,947 --> 00:10:16,581 "What he's doing is protecting this office 257 00:10:16,583 --> 00:10:17,882 from the evils of drugs"? 258 00:10:17,884 --> 00:10:19,150 Thank you, Michael. 259 00:10:19,152 --> 00:10:21,252 I am ridiculously anti-drug. 260 00:10:21,254 --> 00:10:24,889 I am so anti-drug that I am above suspicion 261 00:10:24,891 --> 00:10:27,158 in any way that involved suspicion... 262 00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:29,327 or testing of any kind. 263 00:10:29,329 --> 00:10:32,030 Drugs ruin lives, people. 264 00:10:32,032 --> 00:10:35,266 Drugs destroy careers. 265 00:10:35,268 --> 00:10:36,768 Take Cheech and Chong. 266 00:10:36,770 --> 00:10:39,404 Everybody knows that Cheech and Chong are funny. 267 00:10:39,406 --> 00:10:41,272 But just imagine how funny they would be 268 00:10:41,274 --> 00:10:44,209 if they didn't smoke pot. 269 00:10:44,211 --> 00:10:45,777 I want everybody to take a look to their left. 270 00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:50,348 Now I want everybody to take a look to their right. 271 00:10:50,350 --> 00:10:54,019 One of those people will be dead 272 00:10:54,021 --> 00:10:57,589 from drug use at some point in their lives. 273 00:10:57,591 --> 00:11:00,191 This year, more people 274 00:11:00,193 --> 00:11:03,028 will use cocaine than will read a book 275 00:11:03,030 --> 00:11:04,062 to their children. 276 00:11:04,064 --> 00:11:05,497 Where did you get these facts? 277 00:11:05,499 --> 00:11:06,931 Are these facts scaring you? 278 00:11:06,933 --> 00:11:07,999 Or are they not? 279 00:11:08,001 --> 00:11:09,100 They are not. 280 00:11:09,102 --> 00:11:12,771 Do you think that smoking drugs is cool? 281 00:11:12,773 --> 00:11:15,807 Do you think that doing alcohol is cool? 282 00:11:15,809 --> 00:11:16,941 No, I don't. 283 00:11:16,943 --> 00:11:18,243 I have a glass of red wine with dinner 284 00:11:18,245 --> 00:11:20,745 about once a week for the antioxidants. 285 00:11:20,747 --> 00:11:21,780 Okay, enough. Enough. 286 00:11:21,782 --> 00:11:22,947 Enough! 287 00:11:22,949 --> 00:11:28,420 I have written down a list of illegal drugs. 288 00:11:28,422 --> 00:11:29,654 Take a gander. 289 00:11:29,656 --> 00:11:32,390 How many of these are you familiar with? 290 00:11:32,392 --> 00:11:34,359 Hookah is not an illegal drug, Michael. 291 00:11:34,361 --> 00:11:35,460 Yes, it is. 292 00:11:35,462 --> 00:11:37,095 No, it's not. 293 00:11:37,097 --> 00:11:39,130 It's a type of pipe. 294 00:11:39,132 --> 00:11:42,267 You can fill it with tobacco, often mixed with fruit, or... 295 00:11:42,269 --> 00:11:44,002 Okay, you know what, Toby? 296 00:11:44,004 --> 00:11:45,336 Pam, could you take this down? 297 00:11:45,338 --> 00:11:48,039 In addition to Toby's urine being tested, 298 00:11:48,041 --> 00:11:50,041 I would like to test his blood and his hair. 299 00:11:50,043 --> 00:11:51,109 You can't do that. 300 00:11:51,111 --> 00:11:53,945 I can test anyone randomly. 301 00:11:53,947 --> 00:11:55,346 And I have chosen you randomly. 302 00:11:55,348 --> 00:11:56,381 That's not random. 303 00:11:56,383 --> 00:11:58,450 Okay, enie, meanie, miney, moe. 304 00:11:58,452 --> 00:12:00,251 Is random. 305 00:12:00,253 --> 00:12:01,586 Okay, you know what? 306 00:12:01,588 --> 00:12:02,887 I'm gonna need a volunteer 307 00:12:02,889 --> 00:12:04,823 to select one of these words. 308 00:12:04,825 --> 00:12:08,993 And tell us of something... tragic that happened 309 00:12:08,995 --> 00:12:11,563 in either their lives or the lives of a loved one. 310 00:12:12,932 --> 00:12:14,032 Yeah, Pam. 311 00:12:14,034 --> 00:12:17,702 I know that Jim has an amazing story 312 00:12:17,704 --> 00:12:20,004 about a relative of his who got caught up 313 00:12:20,006 --> 00:12:21,639 in the world of drugs. 314 00:12:21,641 --> 00:12:22,674 Really? 315 00:12:22,676 --> 00:12:23,775 Mmm-hmm. 316 00:12:23,777 --> 00:12:26,010 Jim, it's okay. You can... 317 00:12:27,246 --> 00:12:29,814 This would be a good place to let it out, Jim. 318 00:12:29,816 --> 00:12:30,815 These are people you can trust. 319 00:12:30,817 --> 00:12:32,984 These are people who care about you. 320 00:12:32,986 --> 00:12:34,185 It's okay. 321 00:12:34,187 --> 00:12:36,321 Just... we will not judge you. 322 00:12:36,323 --> 00:12:38,022 We are here to not judge you. 323 00:12:38,024 --> 00:12:40,625 Oh, he's doing it. Okay. 324 00:12:45,364 --> 00:12:47,165 It's okay. 325 00:12:58,811 --> 00:12:59,944 Oh. 326 00:13:01,680 --> 00:13:03,248 Okay, are you sure? 327 00:13:03,250 --> 00:13:06,084 That looked like it was gonna be good. 328 00:13:06,086 --> 00:13:08,553 All right. Okay, well... 329 00:13:08,555 --> 00:13:10,088 Wow! 330 00:13:10,090 --> 00:13:12,657 He really pulled out the big guns. 331 00:13:12,659 --> 00:13:14,359 Fake crying. 332 00:13:15,094 --> 00:13:16,728 Did not expect that. 333 00:13:17,797 --> 00:13:22,333 The point I'm trying to make with all of this, people, 334 00:13:22,335 --> 00:13:24,102 is that I hate drugs. 335 00:13:24,104 --> 00:13:25,970 I hate them. 336 00:13:25,972 --> 00:13:29,207 And based upon what I have seen, 337 00:13:29,209 --> 00:13:32,143 you all don't quite hate 'em as much as I do. 338 00:13:32,145 --> 00:13:34,913 So you are going to have a drug test. 339 00:13:34,915 --> 00:13:36,080 And I am not. 340 00:13:36,082 --> 00:13:37,215 No, you will be tested. 341 00:13:37,217 --> 00:13:38,283 Yes, I... no, will not be. 342 00:13:38,285 --> 00:13:39,484 No, you will be. 343 00:13:39,486 --> 00:13:41,352 That is the law according to the rules. 344 00:13:41,354 --> 00:13:42,587 Okay. 345 00:13:42,589 --> 00:13:44,422 Well, Dwight, just know... 346 00:13:44,424 --> 00:13:46,157 that I've been very busy today. 347 00:13:46,159 --> 00:13:48,193 And I've got a lot of work to do. 348 00:13:48,195 --> 00:13:49,994 And I wasn't planning on going to the bathroom. 349 00:13:49,996 --> 00:13:51,129 And I don't even know if anything's 350 00:13:51,131 --> 00:13:52,263 gonna come out, okay? 351 00:13:52,265 --> 00:13:54,299 So, good. Thank you. 352 00:13:56,936 --> 00:13:58,136 Hi, Linda. 353 00:13:58,138 --> 00:13:59,571 Dwight Schrute. Assistant Regional Manager. 354 00:13:59,573 --> 00:14:02,073 You might remember testing my urine 355 00:14:02,075 --> 00:14:04,108 a few years back when I was applying 356 00:14:04,110 --> 00:14:05,910 to be a Volunteer Sheriff's Deputy. 357 00:14:05,912 --> 00:14:07,579 We test a lot of urine. 358 00:14:07,581 --> 00:14:09,247 Mine was green. 359 00:14:09,249 --> 00:14:12,250 Oh, right. 360 00:14:12,252 --> 00:14:13,284 How are you? 361 00:14:13,286 --> 00:14:14,352 I'm all better. 362 00:14:14,354 --> 00:14:15,820 So I need you to do some work 363 00:14:15,822 --> 00:14:17,188 on the St. Andrew's account. 364 00:14:17,190 --> 00:14:18,323 I need your urine. 365 00:14:18,325 --> 00:14:19,824 I need some filing done. 366 00:14:19,826 --> 00:14:20,825 What kind of filing? 367 00:14:20,827 --> 00:14:23,428 That... just forget it. Just the urine. 368 00:14:23,430 --> 00:14:26,297 That goes directly to the tester. 369 00:14:26,299 --> 00:14:27,565 Just... 370 00:14:33,639 --> 00:14:35,206 I need your urine. 371 00:14:38,010 --> 00:14:39,110 Like, in a cup? 372 00:14:39,112 --> 00:14:41,479 Yes, in a cup. We're not animals, Dwight. 373 00:14:41,481 --> 00:14:43,147 For what purpose? 374 00:14:43,149 --> 00:14:44,282 It's none of your business. 375 00:14:44,284 --> 00:14:45,550 Then I refuse. 376 00:14:45,552 --> 00:14:47,085 Okay, all right. Just... 377 00:14:47,087 --> 00:14:49,954 I went to an Alicia Keys concert. 378 00:14:50,756 --> 00:14:52,257 Over the weekend. 379 00:14:53,392 --> 00:14:57,695 And I think I may have gotten high accidentally 380 00:14:57,697 --> 00:14:59,530 by a girl with a lip ring. 381 00:15:00,332 --> 00:15:02,000 Are you serious? 382 00:15:05,404 --> 00:15:09,807 I need clean urine for the lady. 383 00:15:13,879 --> 00:15:14,913 But that's illegal. 384 00:15:14,915 --> 00:15:16,881 Don't think of it that way. 385 00:15:16,883 --> 00:15:18,850 It's like... 386 00:15:18,852 --> 00:15:20,652 Urine goes all over the place, you know? 387 00:15:20,654 --> 00:15:21,753 There's no controlling it. 388 00:15:21,755 --> 00:15:23,788 It just... Not my urine. 389 00:15:23,790 --> 00:15:25,857 A cup could find its way under the urine. 390 00:15:25,859 --> 00:15:27,358 It might be an accident. 391 00:15:27,360 --> 00:15:29,994 Were you forced to do drugs at this concert? 392 00:15:29,996 --> 00:15:31,462 Is something wrong? 393 00:15:31,464 --> 00:15:32,630 Look, just... 394 00:15:34,867 --> 00:15:36,401 Just fill up the cup. 395 00:15:41,874 --> 00:15:43,942 Do you want to give Michael your urine? 396 00:15:45,945 --> 00:15:48,579 I want him to have all the urine he needs. 397 00:15:50,049 --> 00:15:51,516 You're not gonna get my permission on this. 398 00:15:51,518 --> 00:15:52,684 I know that. 399 00:15:52,686 --> 00:15:54,352 Don't you think I know that? 400 00:15:56,889 --> 00:15:59,057 Yeah, we do testing all over the country. 401 00:15:59,059 --> 00:16:00,925 Cool. 402 00:16:00,927 --> 00:16:02,026 Hey, are you guys hiring? 403 00:16:02,028 --> 00:16:05,363 You wanna work at the urinalysis lab? 404 00:16:06,932 --> 00:16:08,833 Yeah, maybe. 405 00:16:14,607 --> 00:16:17,508 My father's name was Dwight Schrute. 406 00:16:17,510 --> 00:16:22,914 My grandfather's name was Dwight Schrute. 407 00:16:22,916 --> 00:16:28,619 His father's name? Dwiged Schrued. 408 00:16:28,621 --> 00:16:30,455 Amish. 409 00:16:35,861 --> 00:16:38,229 I loved my father very much. 410 00:16:38,231 --> 00:16:40,465 Every morning he'd wake up at dawn 411 00:16:40,467 --> 00:16:42,867 and make us biscuits with gravy. 412 00:16:42,869 --> 00:16:44,235 When I was little, my dad and I 413 00:16:44,237 --> 00:16:45,837 played a lot of games together. 414 00:16:45,839 --> 00:16:47,372 My dad cheated a lot, 415 00:16:47,374 --> 00:16:49,240 but I never busted him on it. 416 00:16:49,242 --> 00:16:51,342 I would have, except I didn't know about it. 417 00:16:51,344 --> 00:16:53,077 He didn't tell me 'til years later. 418 00:16:53,079 --> 00:16:55,446 I was shocked when I found out. 419 00:16:57,516 --> 00:16:59,417 What? 420 00:16:59,419 --> 00:17:01,519 Did you wanna tell me something? 421 00:17:01,521 --> 00:17:03,888 You look like you wanna tell me something. 422 00:17:03,890 --> 00:17:05,123 You look like you have something 423 00:17:05,125 --> 00:17:06,858 really important to say and you just can't 424 00:17:06,860 --> 00:17:08,292 for some reason. 425 00:17:10,195 --> 00:17:12,296 Come on, you can tell me. 426 00:17:12,298 --> 00:17:16,234 Jim, you can tell me anything. 427 00:17:52,337 --> 00:17:54,172 I'd like a magazine. 428 00:17:54,174 --> 00:17:55,740 We just need urine, sir. 429 00:17:55,742 --> 00:17:57,442 I'd still like one. 430 00:17:58,243 --> 00:17:59,544 Dwight. 431 00:17:59,546 --> 00:18:01,579 Well... 432 00:18:01,581 --> 00:18:03,681 I passed the test, thanks to you 433 00:18:03,683 --> 00:18:05,349 and your untainted pee. 434 00:18:05,351 --> 00:18:06,984 Thank you very much. 435 00:18:06,986 --> 00:18:08,019 That's great. 436 00:18:08,021 --> 00:18:09,587 What's wrong? 437 00:18:09,589 --> 00:18:10,888 Where's your costume? 438 00:18:10,890 --> 00:18:12,523 It's a uniform. 439 00:18:12,525 --> 00:18:15,126 And I turned it in today when I tendered my resignation. 440 00:18:15,128 --> 00:18:17,361 Why? What... 441 00:18:17,363 --> 00:18:20,665 I took an oath when I was sworn in. 442 00:18:20,667 --> 00:18:23,167 And I broke that oath today. 443 00:18:41,053 --> 00:18:42,120 Here. 444 00:18:43,489 --> 00:18:44,555 Just buy it from me. 445 00:18:46,225 --> 00:18:47,492 I haven't talked to you in hours, 446 00:18:47,494 --> 00:18:48,793 and it's been weird. 447 00:18:48,795 --> 00:18:50,061 And I really wanna know 448 00:18:50,063 --> 00:18:51,596 what the hell's going on with Dwight. 449 00:19:05,677 --> 00:19:07,478 Hi. Hey. 450 00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:08,846 How much time do you have left on your break? 451 00:19:08,848 --> 00:19:09,947 10 minutes. 452 00:19:13,218 --> 00:19:16,854 Since you did such a good job with the investigation, 453 00:19:16,856 --> 00:19:19,190 I decided to pull a few strings, 454 00:19:19,192 --> 00:19:21,392 call in a few favors. 455 00:19:21,394 --> 00:19:22,860 And I've decided to make you 456 00:19:22,862 --> 00:19:25,663 Official Security Supervisor of the branch. 457 00:19:25,665 --> 00:19:27,665 Really? 458 00:19:27,667 --> 00:19:29,500 Yes, sir. That's fantastic. 459 00:19:29,502 --> 00:19:31,903 'Cause I've always felt that the security here sucked. 460 00:19:33,505 --> 00:19:35,706 So you wanna... 461 00:19:37,676 --> 00:19:39,210 "Dwight K. Schrute, 462 00:19:39,212 --> 00:19:42,547 "I hereby declare you an honorary volunteer corporal 463 00:19:42,549 --> 00:19:46,784 in charge of assisting all activity security." 464 00:19:46,786 --> 00:19:47,818 Good, okay? 465 00:19:47,820 --> 00:19:48,886 Here's your badge. 466 00:19:50,355 --> 00:19:51,822 Thank you, Michael. 467 00:19:51,824 --> 00:19:53,791 Very nice. 468 00:19:53,793 --> 00:19:55,960 Great. Can I have a gun? 469 00:19:55,962 --> 00:19:58,129 No. I don't have a gun. 470 00:19:58,131 --> 00:19:59,530 Okay. 471 00:19:59,532 --> 00:20:02,733 I'll have to bring in my bow staff. 472 00:20:02,735 --> 00:20:05,403 I don't think so. Don't. 473 00:20:05,405 --> 00:20:06,470 Good. Thank you, Michael. 474 00:20:07,540 --> 00:20:09,106 No... oh... 475 00:20:11,977 --> 00:20:13,177 I need to go over some details with you. 476 00:20:13,179 --> 00:20:14,478 First of all... All right, well... 477 00:20:14,480 --> 00:20:16,881 Thank you. 478 00:20:16,883 --> 00:20:19,250 How many orange traffic cones do you have? 479 00:20:19,252 --> 00:20:20,384 Two. 480 00:20:20,386 --> 00:20:22,954 Oh... God. 481 00:20:22,956 --> 00:20:26,190 Wow, what a terrible day to not be able to talk. 482 00:20:26,192 --> 00:20:28,693 Dwight was literally carrying around his own urine 483 00:20:28,695 --> 00:20:30,094 and dressed like one of the Village People. 484 00:20:30,096 --> 00:20:32,597 Why does he do the things that he does for Michael? 485 00:20:32,599 --> 00:20:34,065 I just don't get it. 486 00:20:34,067 --> 00:20:36,100 What is he getting out of that relationship?