1 00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:02,401 Oh! 2 00:00:02,403 --> 00:00:04,803 She's absolutely adorable! 3 00:00:04,805 --> 00:00:06,905 He. 4 00:00:06,907 --> 00:00:09,908 Oh, sorry. He's dressed all in pink. 5 00:00:09,910 --> 00:00:11,310 That's his favorite color. 6 00:00:11,312 --> 00:00:13,912 Oh, that's fun for him. 7 00:00:13,914 --> 00:00:15,481 Fantastic. 8 00:00:15,483 --> 00:00:18,784 Oh, wow, look at that. How cute. 9 00:00:18,786 --> 00:00:20,019 Thank you. 10 00:00:20,021 --> 00:00:21,253 Oh, may I? 11 00:00:21,255 --> 00:00:22,955 Sure. 12 00:00:24,758 --> 00:00:28,594 Hey, look at me! I'm a baby! 13 00:00:28,596 --> 00:00:30,829 I'm one of those babies from Look Who's Talking. 14 00:00:30,831 --> 00:00:32,498 What am I thinking? 15 00:00:32,500 --> 00:00:34,733 Look at all those staplers. 16 00:00:34,735 --> 00:00:36,035 What's a stapler? I don't even know. 17 00:00:36,037 --> 00:00:38,070 I'm a baby. Hey, Mom! 18 00:00:38,072 --> 00:00:39,938 I'm thirsty. 19 00:00:39,940 --> 00:00:41,440 I'm thirsty, Mama. 20 00:00:41,442 --> 00:00:43,008 I want some milk. 21 00:00:43,010 --> 00:00:45,944 And you know where milk comes from. 22 00:00:45,946 --> 00:00:47,279 Breasts! 23 00:01:22,449 --> 00:01:23,982 - Hey. - Hey. 24 00:01:26,219 --> 00:01:28,954 You almost done? 25 00:01:28,956 --> 00:01:32,324 Just about, yeah. 26 00:01:32,326 --> 00:01:33,725 Now. 27 00:01:33,727 --> 00:01:36,195 Yes, I've started to see Karen. 28 00:01:36,197 --> 00:01:39,565 It's very new, and I'm not really ready 29 00:01:39,567 --> 00:01:41,266 to talk about it openly yet just because 30 00:01:41,268 --> 00:01:43,602 I think once the word gets out there, 31 00:01:43,604 --> 00:01:45,804 it might affect the way people behave around us. 32 00:01:45,806 --> 00:01:49,208 Or... I don't know. 33 00:01:49,210 --> 00:01:51,910 Just not yet. 34 00:01:51,912 --> 00:01:55,948 Yeah, Jan, it, um, looks like a check. 35 00:01:55,950 --> 00:01:57,616 A piece of paper of some sort. 36 00:01:57,618 --> 00:01:58,984 A receipt. 37 00:01:58,986 --> 00:02:00,853 Jan, this is Angela Martin from accounting. 38 00:02:00,855 --> 00:02:01,854 Mm-hmm. 39 00:02:01,856 --> 00:02:02,888 Look, we have a rebate 40 00:02:02,890 --> 00:02:05,524 from the Federal Work Opportunity Program. 41 00:02:05,526 --> 00:02:06,859 And no one knows what that means. 42 00:02:06,861 --> 00:02:09,928 We get that money for hiring an ex-convict. 43 00:02:09,930 --> 00:02:12,564 I didn't hire an ex-convict. 44 00:02:12,566 --> 00:02:14,666 Unless they mean Toby. 45 00:02:14,668 --> 00:02:16,135 Convicted rapist. 46 00:02:17,805 --> 00:02:19,037 I'm just kidding. 47 00:02:19,039 --> 00:02:20,706 When did the check come? 48 00:02:20,708 --> 00:02:22,040 Last week. 49 00:02:22,042 --> 00:02:23,809 Okay, that's when the branches merged, 50 00:02:23,811 --> 00:02:25,844 so Josh must've been taking advantage of this program. 51 00:02:25,846 --> 00:02:27,212 Smart move. 52 00:02:27,214 --> 00:02:29,081 One of the Stamford people is a criminal? 53 00:02:29,083 --> 00:02:31,083 Hey, Jan, speaking of Stamford, 54 00:02:31,085 --> 00:02:33,018 Hannah brought in her baby. 55 00:02:33,020 --> 00:02:35,554 Jan, which one of new employees is a criminal? 56 00:02:35,556 --> 00:02:39,291 A reformed convict. And I'm not sure. 57 00:02:39,293 --> 00:02:40,526 Though hang on. Let me email our H.R. 58 00:02:40,528 --> 00:02:42,027 Stay on the line. 59 00:02:42,029 --> 00:02:43,228 Who is it? 60 00:02:43,230 --> 00:02:45,230 Hannah? 61 00:02:45,232 --> 00:02:46,932 Hmm. 62 00:02:46,934 --> 00:02:49,101 Andy? 63 00:02:49,103 --> 00:02:51,670 Andy. 64 00:02:51,672 --> 00:02:54,339 Martin? 65 00:02:54,341 --> 00:02:56,041 Oh, you are such a racist. 66 00:02:56,043 --> 00:02:57,776 Wait, why am I a racist? 67 00:02:57,778 --> 00:02:58,877 Because you think he's black. 68 00:02:58,879 --> 00:03:02,314 He is black, right? 69 00:03:02,316 --> 00:03:04,783 Stop it. Stop it right now! 70 00:03:04,785 --> 00:03:06,552 Okay, it's someone named Martin Nash. 71 00:03:06,554 --> 00:03:07,886 Yeah! 72 00:03:07,888 --> 00:03:09,121 Michael? 73 00:03:09,123 --> 00:03:12,257 Why did the convict have to be a black guy? 74 00:03:12,259 --> 00:03:15,627 It is such a stereotype. 75 00:03:15,629 --> 00:03:19,031 I just wish that Josh had made a more progressive choice, 76 00:03:19,033 --> 00:03:22,067 like a white guy... 77 00:03:22,069 --> 00:03:23,802 who went to prison 78 00:03:23,804 --> 00:03:28,674 for polluting a black guy's lake. 79 00:03:28,676 --> 00:03:30,209 I wonder what he did. 80 00:03:30,211 --> 00:03:32,711 In our society, 81 00:03:32,713 --> 00:03:35,314 a black man can be arrested 82 00:03:35,316 --> 00:03:38,650 for almost anything. 83 00:03:38,652 --> 00:03:41,520 He was probably at a sporting event 84 00:03:41,522 --> 00:03:44,456 and saw some people pushing each other. 85 00:03:44,458 --> 00:03:46,291 And he intervened. 86 00:03:46,293 --> 00:03:48,860 Why would anyone go to jail for that? 87 00:03:48,862 --> 00:03:51,230 So... 88 00:03:51,232 --> 00:03:53,332 what we need to do 89 00:03:53,334 --> 00:03:55,033 is to forget 90 00:03:55,035 --> 00:03:57,302 about this whole "Martin in prison" thing. 91 00:03:57,304 --> 00:03:59,071 People will draw 92 00:03:59,073 --> 00:04:00,672 unfair conclusions about Martin 93 00:04:00,674 --> 00:04:02,241 and/or black people. 94 00:04:02,243 --> 00:04:05,844 - Cool. - Okay. 95 00:04:05,846 --> 00:04:06,912 Angela? 96 00:04:08,581 --> 00:04:10,382 Sure. 97 00:04:10,384 --> 00:04:12,317 Let's protect the convicts 98 00:04:12,319 --> 00:04:14,119 at the expense of the general feeling 99 00:04:14,121 --> 00:04:15,654 of safety in the workplace. 100 00:04:15,656 --> 00:04:18,957 As a 90-pound female that sits in an ill-lit, 101 00:04:18,959 --> 00:04:21,260 rarely-visited corner of the office, 102 00:04:21,262 --> 00:04:22,995 naturally I agree with that. 103 00:04:22,997 --> 00:04:24,896 Good. 104 00:04:24,898 --> 00:04:26,331 All right. 105 00:04:31,705 --> 00:04:33,105 Jim Halpert. 106 00:04:33,107 --> 00:04:35,507 I am so horny. 107 00:04:39,445 --> 00:04:42,114 Okay, I can't help you with that. 108 00:04:42,116 --> 00:04:45,617 Oh, I think you can, Big Tuna. 109 00:04:45,619 --> 00:04:48,487 Tell me about that Indian chick Kelly. 110 00:04:48,489 --> 00:04:50,022 She seems pretty slutty. 111 00:04:50,024 --> 00:04:51,957 Good for a romp in the sack. 112 00:04:51,959 --> 00:04:54,760 She is dating Ryan, I think. 113 00:04:54,762 --> 00:04:56,962 Oh, and I care why? 114 00:04:56,964 --> 00:04:58,697 She's high maintenance. 115 00:04:58,699 --> 00:05:01,033 Next. How about... 116 00:05:08,174 --> 00:05:09,274 Blondes are more fun. 117 00:05:09,276 --> 00:05:10,475 Come on, trust me on that. 118 00:05:10,477 --> 00:05:11,510 Yeah, trust me. 119 00:05:11,512 --> 00:05:13,912 That would be fun for no one. 120 00:05:13,914 --> 00:05:15,881 Okay, fine. Okay. 121 00:05:15,883 --> 00:05:18,250 Pam, the receptionist. 122 00:05:18,252 --> 00:05:21,987 Pam. Should I go for it? 123 00:05:28,428 --> 00:05:30,662 Absolutely you should. 124 00:05:30,664 --> 00:05:32,130 Jackpot. 125 00:05:32,132 --> 00:05:34,032 Just try to be cool. 126 00:05:34,034 --> 00:05:35,233 I am cool. 127 00:05:35,235 --> 00:05:36,368 Are you cool really? 128 00:05:36,370 --> 00:05:37,536 I'm so cool. 129 00:05:37,538 --> 00:05:38,870 Tell me what is going on. 130 00:05:39,907 --> 00:05:43,975 Um, Martin from Stamford 131 00:05:43,977 --> 00:05:47,312 was at one time in prison. 132 00:05:50,750 --> 00:05:54,086 No, Dwight. Be cool, be cool. 133 00:05:54,088 --> 00:05:55,354 I am greatly concerned 134 00:05:55,356 --> 00:05:57,289 about having a convict in the office. 135 00:05:57,291 --> 00:05:59,891 And I do not care if that convict is white, 136 00:05:59,893 --> 00:06:02,227 black, Asian, German, 137 00:06:02,229 --> 00:06:04,763 or some kind of halfsie. 138 00:06:04,765 --> 00:06:07,065 I do not like criminals. 139 00:06:19,346 --> 00:06:21,613 Oh, God. 140 00:06:23,349 --> 00:06:25,884 All righty. Let's get started. 141 00:06:25,886 --> 00:06:27,519 What is she into? 142 00:06:27,521 --> 00:06:29,221 I know Pam pretty well. 143 00:06:29,223 --> 00:06:30,756 I know the things that she likes. 144 00:06:30,758 --> 00:06:32,624 And just as important, 145 00:06:32,626 --> 00:06:34,393 I know the things that she hates. 146 00:06:34,395 --> 00:06:37,596 So one of the things that she likes is pranks. 147 00:06:37,598 --> 00:06:40,832 And the things that she hates... 148 00:06:40,834 --> 00:06:42,434 Frisbee-based competitions. 149 00:06:42,436 --> 00:06:44,336 Are you kidding? 150 00:06:44,338 --> 00:06:46,405 I started the main Frisbee golf club 151 00:06:46,407 --> 00:06:48,940 at Cornell where I went to college. 152 00:06:48,942 --> 00:06:50,442 I live to frolf. 153 00:06:50,444 --> 00:06:51,910 Lead off with that. 154 00:06:51,912 --> 00:06:53,345 Okay. 155 00:06:53,347 --> 00:06:54,913 She loves hunting. 156 00:06:54,915 --> 00:06:58,183 She also loves those ads for Six Flags 157 00:06:58,185 --> 00:06:59,217 with the old guy. 158 00:07:01,221 --> 00:07:02,587 Got it. 159 00:07:02,589 --> 00:07:05,757 Also... do you speak pig Latin? 160 00:07:05,759 --> 00:07:08,260 Hey, Martin. How's it going? 161 00:07:08,262 --> 00:07:10,729 Good. Getting settled, you know. 162 00:07:10,731 --> 00:07:13,465 Ah, good, good. Good. 163 00:07:13,467 --> 00:07:14,800 Just a second. 164 00:07:14,802 --> 00:07:18,503 Everybody, may I have your attention please? 165 00:07:18,505 --> 00:07:21,540 I realize that a lot of you have already heard 166 00:07:21,542 --> 00:07:23,341 that Martin here 167 00:07:23,343 --> 00:07:25,510 has had some trouble with the law. 168 00:07:25,512 --> 00:07:27,712 But I just want to declare publicly 169 00:07:27,714 --> 00:07:31,383 that I trust him completely. 170 00:07:31,385 --> 00:07:34,052 And that anybody who doesn't 171 00:07:34,054 --> 00:07:38,290 is an ignorant, dumb person, okay? 172 00:07:38,292 --> 00:07:39,357 As a matter of fact, 173 00:07:39,359 --> 00:07:41,593 you show me a white man you trust, 174 00:07:41,595 --> 00:07:43,829 and I will show you a black man 175 00:07:43,831 --> 00:07:46,531 that I trust even more. 176 00:07:46,533 --> 00:07:48,533 Pam, tell me a white person you trust. 177 00:07:48,535 --> 00:07:49,868 My dad. 178 00:07:49,870 --> 00:07:52,504 Danny Glover. 179 00:07:52,506 --> 00:07:55,073 - Yeah? - Jonas Salk. 180 00:07:55,075 --> 00:07:57,075 - Who? - Justin Timberlake. 181 00:07:57,077 --> 00:07:59,277 Oh, please. Colin Powell. 182 00:07:59,279 --> 00:08:00,378 Hey, I got one. 183 00:08:00,380 --> 00:08:01,880 - Yeah? - Jesus. 184 00:08:01,882 --> 00:08:03,982 Apollo Creed. 185 00:08:05,918 --> 00:08:07,486 Close your eyes. 186 00:08:07,488 --> 00:08:10,188 Picture a convict. 187 00:08:10,190 --> 00:08:12,190 What's he wearing? 188 00:08:12,192 --> 00:08:13,592 Nothing special. 189 00:08:13,594 --> 00:08:16,428 Baseball cap on backward, baggy pants. 190 00:08:16,430 --> 00:08:18,396 He says something ordinary like, 191 00:08:18,398 --> 00:08:20,565 "Yo, that's shizzle." 192 00:08:20,567 --> 00:08:24,336 Okay, now slowly open your eyes again. 193 00:08:24,338 --> 00:08:26,238 Who were you picturing? 194 00:08:26,240 --> 00:08:28,340 A black man? 195 00:08:28,342 --> 00:08:29,441 Wrong. 196 00:08:29,443 --> 00:08:32,911 That was a white woman. 197 00:08:32,913 --> 00:08:35,547 Surprised? 198 00:08:35,549 --> 00:08:37,282 Well, shame on you. 199 00:08:37,450 --> 00:08:40,118 So, you all want to know what I was in for? 200 00:08:40,120 --> 00:08:42,654 No, that's not cool. 201 00:08:42,656 --> 00:08:44,055 You don't have to tell them. 202 00:08:44,057 --> 00:08:48,527 I really don't mind. It was a stupid mistake. 203 00:08:48,529 --> 00:08:50,095 I was working in finance, 204 00:08:50,097 --> 00:08:52,697 and I got involved in some insider trading. 205 00:08:52,699 --> 00:08:55,133 So I spent a little time 206 00:08:55,135 --> 00:08:56,668 in the clink. 207 00:08:56,670 --> 00:08:59,170 Oh! 208 00:08:59,172 --> 00:09:03,341 That is awesome. 209 00:09:03,343 --> 00:09:06,578 I had Martin explain to me three times 210 00:09:06,580 --> 00:09:10,882 what he got arrested for, because... 211 00:09:10,884 --> 00:09:12,884 it sounds an awful lot 212 00:09:12,886 --> 00:09:17,689 like I what I do here every day. 213 00:09:17,691 --> 00:09:19,324 What was prison like? 214 00:09:19,326 --> 00:09:20,859 Not terrible. 215 00:09:20,861 --> 00:09:22,160 Boring. 216 00:09:22,162 --> 00:09:24,629 We do the same thing every day. 217 00:09:24,631 --> 00:09:26,364 But at least we'd get outdoors time. 218 00:09:26,366 --> 00:09:27,732 You got outdoors time? 219 00:09:27,734 --> 00:09:29,768 Two hours every day. 220 00:09:29,770 --> 00:09:31,736 Sometimes we'd play pickup football games. 221 00:09:31,738 --> 00:09:34,339 Michael, why don't we get outdoors time? 222 00:09:34,341 --> 00:09:36,241 Yeah, some days I never go outside. 223 00:09:36,243 --> 00:09:37,976 Well, we are running a business. 224 00:09:37,978 --> 00:09:39,144 What was your cell like? 225 00:09:39,146 --> 00:09:40,478 Not good. 226 00:09:40,480 --> 00:09:44,883 It was a little bit bigger than Michael's office. 227 00:09:44,885 --> 00:09:47,152 But you know, I really only slept there. 228 00:09:47,154 --> 00:09:50,689 You know, during the day our time was our own. 229 00:09:50,691 --> 00:09:52,390 They had classes. 230 00:09:52,392 --> 00:09:54,192 I took some watercolor classes. 231 00:09:54,194 --> 00:09:55,727 They have art classes? 232 00:09:55,729 --> 00:09:56,861 Yeah. 233 00:09:56,863 --> 00:09:58,663 They have business classes there? 234 00:09:58,665 --> 00:10:01,499 They did, taught by some Harvard Business School guys. 235 00:10:01,501 --> 00:10:03,835 A lot of the guys also that were in the class... 236 00:10:03,837 --> 00:10:05,403 the inmates... 237 00:10:05,405 --> 00:10:06,638 a lot of them have gone on to do 238 00:10:06,640 --> 00:10:08,173 - extraordinary things in business. - Terrible things. 239 00:10:08,175 --> 00:10:11,009 Kind of sounds like prison's better than Dunder-Mifflin. 240 00:10:11,011 --> 00:10:13,178 Okay, well, that's not true. 241 00:10:13,180 --> 00:10:15,080 I would so rather be in prison. 242 00:10:15,082 --> 00:10:16,581 Prison sounds great. 243 00:10:16,583 --> 00:10:18,049 No, you would not. 244 00:10:18,051 --> 00:10:19,351 This place is not prison. 245 00:10:19,353 --> 00:10:23,288 It's way better than prison. 246 00:10:23,290 --> 00:10:25,190 Baby! 247 00:10:25,192 --> 00:10:26,358 Hello, baby! 248 00:10:26,360 --> 00:10:27,559 Here, you want to play with this? 249 00:10:27,561 --> 00:10:28,927 You can't give paperclips to a baby. 250 00:10:28,929 --> 00:10:30,395 He could swallow. 251 00:10:30,397 --> 00:10:32,230 Oh, it's okay. I've got tons of 'em. 252 00:10:32,232 --> 00:10:34,866 You like that? Goo goo goo goo? 253 00:10:34,868 --> 00:10:39,237 Pam-a-lama-ding-dong. 254 00:10:39,239 --> 00:10:40,905 Listen, you're cute. 255 00:10:40,907 --> 00:10:43,541 There's no getting around it. 256 00:10:43,543 --> 00:10:46,077 So I don't know if I like country music, 257 00:10:46,079 --> 00:10:47,912 but I was thinking maybe one of these days 258 00:10:47,914 --> 00:10:49,114 we could drive out to the fields, 259 00:10:49,116 --> 00:10:51,049 crank up some tunes. 260 00:10:51,051 --> 00:10:52,784 Smoke a few Macanudos. 261 00:10:52,786 --> 00:10:56,021 Maybe even toss a disc around. 262 00:10:56,023 --> 00:10:58,957 Utway ooday ooyay inkthay, Ampay? 263 00:10:58,959 --> 00:11:01,993 Wow. I... 264 00:11:01,995 --> 00:11:04,162 Shh! 265 00:11:04,164 --> 00:11:05,864 Think about it. 266 00:11:05,866 --> 00:11:07,332 I'll hit you back. 267 00:11:18,811 --> 00:11:20,645 Wow. 268 00:11:20,647 --> 00:11:24,315 That was... 269 00:11:24,317 --> 00:11:26,685 Wow. 270 00:11:26,687 --> 00:11:30,288 Okay, listen up, everybody. 271 00:11:30,290 --> 00:11:34,893 Um, you guys said that prison was better than this place. 272 00:11:34,895 --> 00:11:37,128 And I heard you loud and clear. 273 00:11:37,130 --> 00:11:39,898 So I am instituting some changes 274 00:11:39,900 --> 00:11:42,033 to make this more like prison. 275 00:11:42,035 --> 00:11:43,501 We are going to start 276 00:11:43,503 --> 00:11:45,737 with an hour of outdoor time. 277 00:11:45,739 --> 00:11:46,871 So let's go! 278 00:11:55,815 --> 00:11:57,015 Michael, it's freezing out. 279 00:11:57,017 --> 00:11:58,450 I can't feel my toes. 280 00:11:58,452 --> 00:12:02,420 Why don't we pump some iron? 281 00:12:02,422 --> 00:12:04,422 Anybody want to pump up? 282 00:12:04,424 --> 00:12:06,591 What is that, like, five pounds? 283 00:12:06,593 --> 00:12:08,259 It's two and half. 284 00:12:08,261 --> 00:12:10,428 I'm not going for bulk. I'm going for tone. 285 00:12:10,430 --> 00:12:11,629 I'm going back inside. It's freezing. 286 00:12:11,631 --> 00:12:13,665 Yeah, it is freaking cold out here. 287 00:12:13,667 --> 00:12:15,066 Anybody wants to stay out, 288 00:12:15,068 --> 00:12:16,568 you got about 27 minutes of rec time. 289 00:12:20,139 --> 00:12:22,440 Oh, hey, Martin! 290 00:12:22,442 --> 00:12:24,843 You have TV in the joint? 291 00:12:24,845 --> 00:12:26,177 Yeah, in the rec room. 292 00:12:26,179 --> 00:12:28,480 Ah, got a ten-inch black and white? 293 00:12:28,482 --> 00:12:30,648 Actually, our TV was bigger than that one. 294 00:12:32,652 --> 00:12:35,487 These people do realize how lucky they are. 295 00:12:35,489 --> 00:12:38,857 This office is the American Dream. 296 00:12:38,859 --> 00:12:40,759 And they would rather be in the hole. 297 00:12:42,695 --> 00:12:44,763 Oh, Andy. 298 00:12:44,765 --> 00:12:47,065 I thought of one last tack you can take with Pam. 299 00:12:47,067 --> 00:12:49,868 - Yeah, what? - Quick question. Do you play the guitar? 300 00:12:49,870 --> 00:12:51,102 I play the banjo. 301 00:12:51,104 --> 00:12:52,470 Hold on. Let me think about that. 302 00:12:52,472 --> 00:12:53,838 Yes, that'll work. 303 00:12:53,840 --> 00:12:57,075 But can you sing in a sexy high falsetto voice? 304 00:13:02,282 --> 00:13:03,281 Yep, that's perfect. 305 00:13:03,283 --> 00:13:05,750 - Hey. - Hey. 306 00:13:05,752 --> 00:13:07,285 I'm gonna go get my banjo out of my car. 307 00:13:07,287 --> 00:13:08,520 Perfect. 308 00:13:08,522 --> 00:13:11,122 What is going on? 309 00:13:11,124 --> 00:13:12,791 I'm messing with Andy. 310 00:13:12,793 --> 00:13:14,392 I'm sending him to all the women in the office 311 00:13:14,394 --> 00:13:16,928 with just terrible information 312 00:13:16,930 --> 00:13:18,463 on how to get them to go out with him. 313 00:13:18,465 --> 00:13:19,898 I love it. I want in. 314 00:13:19,900 --> 00:13:22,801 Who's the target? 315 00:13:22,803 --> 00:13:25,270 Oh, you know what? 316 00:13:25,272 --> 00:13:27,272 - It was gonna be Pam, but... - Perfect. 317 00:13:27,274 --> 00:13:28,940 What do I do? Just give me an assignment. 318 00:13:28,942 --> 00:13:31,476 Oh, you know what, though? 319 00:13:31,478 --> 00:13:33,778 I feel like I already sicced him on Pam. 320 00:13:33,780 --> 00:13:35,113 We'll give her a break. 321 00:13:35,115 --> 00:13:37,549 Let's think of someone else. 322 00:13:37,551 --> 00:13:38,683 All right, everybody. 323 00:13:38,685 --> 00:13:40,652 There has been a lot of name-calling 324 00:13:40,654 --> 00:13:42,187 against our office today. 325 00:13:42,189 --> 00:13:45,190 Corporate maligning, slurring. 326 00:13:45,192 --> 00:13:48,393 Much of it coming from one of you 327 00:13:48,395 --> 00:13:52,597 who claims that prison is better 328 00:13:52,599 --> 00:13:54,199 than here. 329 00:13:54,201 --> 00:13:56,701 And none of us can say "boo" 330 00:13:56,703 --> 00:13:59,704 because none of us have ever been to prison. 331 00:13:59,706 --> 00:14:03,041 Well, here's somebody I'd like you to meet. 332 00:14:03,043 --> 00:14:06,344 Somebody else who has been to prison 333 00:14:06,346 --> 00:14:07,846 who can tell you what 334 00:14:07,848 --> 00:14:11,583 it is really like. 335 00:14:11,585 --> 00:14:14,986 I'm Prison Mike. 336 00:14:14,988 --> 00:14:17,388 You know why they call me Prison Mike? 337 00:14:17,390 --> 00:14:19,023 Do you really expect us to believe you're somebody else? 338 00:14:19,025 --> 00:14:20,692 Do you really expect me 339 00:14:20,694 --> 00:14:23,161 to not push you up against the wall, beeyotch? 340 00:14:23,163 --> 00:14:24,929 Hey! Whoa, whoa! 341 00:14:24,931 --> 00:14:27,732 Hey, that's just the way we talk in the clink. 342 00:14:27,734 --> 00:14:30,535 Been a lot of fun talk about prison today. 343 00:14:30,537 --> 00:14:32,704 But I am here to scare you straight. 344 00:14:34,373 --> 00:14:38,509 I am here to scare you straight! 345 00:14:38,511 --> 00:14:41,312 In prison, you are somebody's bitch. 346 00:14:41,314 --> 00:14:42,847 Oh, and you. 347 00:14:42,849 --> 00:14:44,649 You, my friend, would be 348 00:14:44,651 --> 00:14:46,651 da belle of da ball. 349 00:14:46,653 --> 00:14:49,020 Don't drop the soap. Don't drop the soap. 350 00:14:49,022 --> 00:14:50,088 Michael, please. 351 00:14:52,459 --> 00:14:54,492 Where did you learn all of this? 352 00:14:54,494 --> 00:14:55,660 Internet. 353 00:14:55,662 --> 00:14:56,694 So not prison. 354 00:14:56,696 --> 00:14:59,631 And prison. It's 50/50. 355 00:14:59,633 --> 00:15:00,965 Both. 356 00:15:00,967 --> 00:15:02,967 Look, prison stinks 357 00:15:02,969 --> 00:15:04,202 is what I'm saying. 358 00:15:04,204 --> 00:15:05,770 It's not like you can go home 359 00:15:05,772 --> 00:15:07,505 and recharge your batteries 360 00:15:07,507 --> 00:15:08,806 and come back in the morning 361 00:15:08,808 --> 00:15:11,576 and be with your friends having fun in the office. 362 00:15:13,212 --> 00:15:14,712 What did you do, Prison Mike? 363 00:15:14,714 --> 00:15:17,415 I stole. 364 00:15:17,417 --> 00:15:19,918 And I robbed. 365 00:15:19,920 --> 00:15:23,588 And I kidnapped the President's son 366 00:15:23,590 --> 00:15:25,056 and held him for ransom. 367 00:15:25,058 --> 00:15:27,959 That is quite the rap sheet, Prison Mike. 368 00:15:27,961 --> 00:15:29,694 An I never got caught neither. 369 00:15:29,696 --> 00:15:31,996 Well, you're in prison, but, mm-hmm. 370 00:15:31,998 --> 00:15:34,499 Prison Mike, what was the food like in prison? 371 00:15:34,501 --> 00:15:37,502 Gruel sandwiches. 372 00:15:37,504 --> 00:15:38,803 Gruel omelets. 373 00:15:38,805 --> 00:15:40,638 Nothing but gruel. 374 00:15:40,640 --> 00:15:42,206 Plus, you can eat your own hair. 375 00:15:42,208 --> 00:15:43,975 Wow. 376 00:15:43,977 --> 00:15:45,310 Prison sounds horrible. 377 00:15:45,312 --> 00:15:47,211 Yeah, yeah. 378 00:15:47,213 --> 00:15:49,380 Well, thank you, Andy. Thanks. 379 00:15:49,382 --> 00:15:51,683 Prison Mike, what's the very, very 380 00:15:51,685 --> 00:15:53,284 worst thing about prison? 381 00:15:53,286 --> 00:15:55,320 Don't encourage him, Dwight. 382 00:15:55,322 --> 00:15:58,690 The worst thing about prison was... was the Dementors. 383 00:15:58,692 --> 00:16:00,925 They were flying all over the place, 384 00:16:00,927 --> 00:16:02,560 and they were scary. 385 00:16:02,562 --> 00:16:03,828 And then they'd come down and they'd suck the soul 386 00:16:03,830 --> 00:16:05,196 out of your body, and it hurt. 387 00:16:05,198 --> 00:16:06,864 Dementors like in Harry Potter? 388 00:16:06,866 --> 00:16:09,534 No, not Harry Potter. 389 00:16:09,536 --> 00:16:11,536 There were no movies in prison. 390 00:16:11,538 --> 00:16:12,670 This is my point. 391 00:16:12,672 --> 00:16:15,406 You guys got it soft and cushy. 392 00:16:15,408 --> 00:16:17,075 This place is freaking awesome. 393 00:16:17,077 --> 00:16:18,576 The people are awesome. 394 00:16:18,578 --> 00:16:19,711 Your boss is nice. 395 00:16:19,713 --> 00:16:21,446 Everybody seems to get along. 396 00:16:21,448 --> 00:16:23,448 People are tolerant. 397 00:16:23,450 --> 00:16:25,350 People who would jump to conclusions 398 00:16:25,352 --> 00:16:26,918 can redeem themselves. 399 00:16:26,920 --> 00:16:29,287 Nobody's nobody's bitch. 400 00:16:29,289 --> 00:16:31,189 I hope that this scared you. 401 00:16:31,191 --> 00:16:33,725 And from me, Prison Mike, to you, 402 00:16:33,727 --> 00:16:37,128 I just want to thank you for listening to me. 403 00:16:37,130 --> 00:16:40,131 And letting me be a part of your life today. 404 00:16:40,133 --> 00:16:43,401 'Cause you got a good life! 405 00:16:43,403 --> 00:16:44,769 You got a good life. 406 00:16:44,771 --> 00:16:47,372 A good life. 407 00:16:53,012 --> 00:16:55,313 So, what do you think? 408 00:16:55,315 --> 00:16:57,148 It doesn't sound so great, does it? 409 00:16:57,150 --> 00:17:00,084 Wow. 410 00:17:00,086 --> 00:17:01,686 Thank you. 411 00:17:01,688 --> 00:17:04,789 Um, that must have been hard for you to relive that. 412 00:17:04,791 --> 00:17:06,157 Both of you. 413 00:17:06,159 --> 00:17:08,960 Yeah, that wasn't really 414 00:17:08,962 --> 00:17:10,862 at all my experience. 415 00:17:10,864 --> 00:17:12,797 There were certain elements 416 00:17:12,799 --> 00:17:14,565 of what you performed 417 00:17:14,567 --> 00:17:16,834 I've seen on television, 418 00:17:16,836 --> 00:17:19,570 but it didn't remind me of my time in prison. 419 00:17:22,541 --> 00:17:24,976 Okay, okay. Fine. 420 00:17:24,978 --> 00:17:27,145 You guys think prison is so great? 421 00:17:27,147 --> 00:17:29,247 All right. 422 00:17:29,249 --> 00:17:32,383 Well, here you go. 423 00:17:32,385 --> 00:17:34,352 Okay, Michael. Come on, let us out. 424 00:17:34,354 --> 00:17:36,954 No, if you think prison is so wonderful, 425 00:17:36,956 --> 00:17:38,289 then enjoy prison. 426 00:17:38,291 --> 00:17:39,857 Are we locked in here? 427 00:17:39,859 --> 00:17:41,526 They are such babies. 428 00:17:41,528 --> 00:17:43,428 I am going to leave them in there 429 00:17:43,430 --> 00:17:45,830 until they can appreciate what it's like 430 00:17:45,832 --> 00:17:47,598 to have freedom. 431 00:17:47,600 --> 00:17:49,267 And if this doesn't bother them, 432 00:17:49,269 --> 00:17:51,035 then I am out of ideas. 433 00:17:55,375 --> 00:17:58,009 Hey! Let us out of here! 434 00:18:00,847 --> 00:18:04,148 - Hey, I have... - Shh! 435 00:18:08,554 --> 00:18:10,555 This is Toby. 436 00:18:10,557 --> 00:18:12,323 Hey, Pam. 437 00:18:12,325 --> 00:18:13,925 Where are you calling from? 438 00:18:16,795 --> 00:18:19,163 Michael, why is everyone locked in the conference room? 439 00:18:19,165 --> 00:18:22,467 They were very disrespectful to me and to the office. 440 00:18:22,469 --> 00:18:25,770 And Martin has had a bad influence. 441 00:18:25,772 --> 00:18:28,539 To think that I gave him the benefit of a doubt. 442 00:18:28,541 --> 00:18:29,941 It's... 443 00:18:29,943 --> 00:18:33,344 Well, you're gonna have to let them out or I will. 444 00:18:33,346 --> 00:18:35,780 Okay, you know what, Toby? 445 00:18:35,782 --> 00:18:39,584 I am teaching them a lesson, so... 446 00:18:39,586 --> 00:18:41,919 You know they're teasing you. 447 00:18:41,921 --> 00:18:44,722 I mean, obviously this is 448 00:18:44,724 --> 00:18:49,227 a much nicer place than an actual prison. 449 00:18:49,229 --> 00:18:50,761 We get paid to be here. 450 00:18:50,763 --> 00:18:53,197 We go home afterwards and have social lives. 451 00:18:53,199 --> 00:18:56,267 And we have parties here. 452 00:18:58,604 --> 00:19:00,605 They're teasing you. 453 00:19:00,607 --> 00:19:02,006 To be funny. 454 00:19:10,415 --> 00:19:12,950 Okay, nutcases, get out of there. 455 00:19:12,952 --> 00:19:14,819 Good work. 456 00:19:14,821 --> 00:19:17,088 Long day. Really long. 457 00:19:17,090 --> 00:19:20,224 Why don't you guys head home early? 458 00:19:20,226 --> 00:19:22,827 Time off for good behavior! 459 00:19:24,664 --> 00:19:26,964 Good job. 460 00:19:26,966 --> 00:19:29,200 Enjoy your freedoms. 461 00:19:33,705 --> 00:19:38,543 Martin went from being a new guy from Stamford 462 00:19:38,545 --> 00:19:40,912 to a convict, 463 00:19:40,914 --> 00:19:43,581 to my friend, 464 00:19:43,583 --> 00:19:45,783 back to a convict, 465 00:19:45,785 --> 00:19:48,586 then to kind of a nuisance, actually, 466 00:19:48,588 --> 00:19:50,988 if we can be completely honest. 467 00:19:50,990 --> 00:19:54,692 And finally to a quitter. 468 00:19:54,694 --> 00:19:57,228 And I will not miss him. 469 00:19:57,230 --> 00:20:01,766 And that is not because he is black.