1 00:00:04,372 --> 00:00:05,871 So, do you want to see it or not? 2 00:00:05,873 --> 00:00:06,839 I don't know. 3 00:00:06,841 --> 00:00:09,341 I don't like Friday night crowds. 4 00:00:09,343 --> 00:00:11,844 Oh, my God. You're, like, agoraphobic. 5 00:00:11,846 --> 00:00:12,678 Agoraphobic? 6 00:00:12,680 --> 00:00:14,713 - Really? - Yeah! 7 00:00:14,715 --> 00:00:16,682 You would rather sit on your couch 8 00:00:16,684 --> 00:00:16,682 and watch a Phillies game 9 00:00:16,684 --> 00:00:19,952 then go out to a movie with your awesome girlfriend. 10 00:00:19,954 --> 00:00:21,020 Absolutely correct. 11 00:00:21,022 --> 00:00:22,154 Later, Jim. 12 00:00:22,156 --> 00:00:24,323 - Kev, have a good weekend. - Bye. 13 00:00:24,325 --> 00:00:26,892 Okay, so this is what's gonna happen. 14 00:00:26,894 --> 00:00:26,892 You're gonna suck it up... - Here we go. 15 00:00:26,894 --> 00:00:29,628 And we're gonna go to dinner... - Okay. 16 00:00:29,630 --> 00:00:30,696 And then we're gonna go to the movies. 17 00:00:30,698 --> 00:00:32,197 - Sounds good. - Hey, Halpert! 18 00:00:34,000 --> 00:00:35,167 Hey. 19 00:00:38,905 --> 00:00:39,972 Roy! Ahh! 20 00:00:39,974 --> 00:00:41,106 Roy, don't! 21 00:00:41,108 --> 00:00:43,742 God! 22 00:00:50,183 --> 00:00:53,218 Pam, please call security. 23 00:00:53,220 --> 00:00:55,220 Every day for eight years, 24 00:00:55,222 --> 00:00:57,022 I have brought pepper spray into this office 25 00:00:57,024 --> 00:00:59,925 to protect myself and my fellow employees. 26 00:00:59,927 --> 00:01:02,027 And every day for eight years, 27 00:01:02,029 --> 00:01:03,762 people have laughed at me. 28 00:01:03,764 --> 00:01:06,398 Well. Who's laughing now? 29 00:01:40,567 --> 00:01:43,902 No need for consternation. Everything is under control. 30 00:01:43,904 --> 00:01:44,937 Michael, last Friday 31 00:01:44,939 --> 00:01:46,171 one of your employees 32 00:01:46,173 --> 00:01:48,073 attacked another employee in your office. 33 00:01:48,075 --> 00:01:50,008 It was a crime of passion, Jan, 34 00:01:50,010 --> 00:01:51,977 not a disgruntled employee. 35 00:01:51,979 --> 00:01:54,113 Everyone here is extremely gruntled. 36 00:01:54,115 --> 00:01:56,815 Is Toby there? 37 00:01:56,817 --> 00:01:58,851 - No. - I'm here, Jan. 38 00:01:58,853 --> 00:02:01,153 Wh-what is the situation, Toby? 39 00:02:01,155 --> 00:02:03,789 Well, we fired Roy, obviously. 40 00:02:03,791 --> 00:02:06,658 And Jim won't press charges against Roy or the company. 41 00:02:06,660 --> 00:02:07,993 - Thank God. - Yeah. 42 00:02:07,995 --> 00:02:11,063 Um, but now apparently Darryl has some issue with... 43 00:02:11,065 --> 00:02:13,832 No, he has been wanting a raise for a couple of months 44 00:02:13,834 --> 00:02:16,635 and he's just using this Roy thing as leverage. 45 00:02:16,637 --> 00:02:18,003 All right, well, are you gonna take care of this? 46 00:02:18,005 --> 00:02:19,371 Yeppers. 47 00:02:19,373 --> 00:02:22,207 What did I tell you about "yeppers?" 48 00:02:23,443 --> 00:02:25,077 I don't remember. 49 00:02:25,079 --> 00:02:27,479 I told you not to say it. Do you remember that? 50 00:02:27,481 --> 00:02:29,748 Ye... sh. 51 00:02:32,719 --> 00:02:35,420 I really don't want to talk about it. 52 00:02:35,422 --> 00:02:37,389 I don't mean to be rude, 53 00:02:37,391 --> 00:02:41,193 but I just... I don't want to comment on what happened. 54 00:02:43,196 --> 00:02:45,631 It sucked. 55 00:02:48,768 --> 00:02:51,670 I guess... all things considered... 56 00:02:52,739 --> 00:02:55,440 I was lucky Dwight was there. 57 00:02:55,442 --> 00:02:58,510 And Roy was lucky that Dwight only used pepper spray, 58 00:02:58,512 --> 00:03:01,380 and not the nunchucks or the throwing stars. 59 00:03:05,319 --> 00:03:08,253 Hey, man, I never got a chance to thank you. 60 00:03:10,023 --> 00:03:12,758 For stopping Roy. 61 00:03:13,493 --> 00:03:13,492 Thank you. 62 00:03:13,494 --> 00:03:16,628 "Thank you" not necessary, and thus not accepted. 63 00:03:16,630 --> 00:03:20,165 I saw someone breaking the law, and I interceded. 64 00:03:20,167 --> 00:03:21,867 Okay. 65 00:03:21,869 --> 00:03:25,437 Um... got you something. 66 00:03:25,439 --> 00:03:27,272 Don't want it. 67 00:03:27,274 --> 00:03:27,272 You don't know what it is. 68 00:03:27,274 --> 00:03:30,909 Don't want it. Won't open it. Don't need it. Won't take it. 69 00:03:30,911 --> 00:03:33,545 Citizens do not accept prizes for being citizens. 70 00:03:38,985 --> 00:03:43,589 It was a little glass display case for his bobble head. 71 00:03:43,591 --> 00:03:45,824 That would have made his evening, I think. 72 00:03:45,826 --> 00:03:50,128 He saves my life, I get him a box for his desk toy. 73 00:03:50,130 --> 00:03:51,663 Even Steven. 74 00:03:51,665 --> 00:03:53,599 No, don't call me a hero. 75 00:03:53,601 --> 00:03:55,734 Do you know who the real heroes are? 76 00:03:55,736 --> 00:03:58,170 The guys who wake up every morning 77 00:03:58,172 --> 00:04:00,038 and go into their normal jobs, 78 00:04:00,040 --> 00:04:02,207 and get a distress call from the commissioner, 79 00:04:02,209 --> 00:04:04,142 and take off their glasses and change into capes, 80 00:04:04,144 --> 00:04:06,411 and fly around fighting crime. 81 00:04:06,413 --> 00:04:08,313 Those are the real heroes. 82 00:04:08,315 --> 00:04:09,481 Angela. 83 00:04:09,483 --> 00:04:12,417 Roy's check, he's coming in later to pick it up. 84 00:04:12,419 --> 00:04:13,452 Man... 85 00:04:13,454 --> 00:04:15,754 I cannot believe I missed the fight. 86 00:04:15,756 --> 00:04:17,122 It was crazy. 87 00:04:17,124 --> 00:04:21,126 You saw it? Describe it, please. 88 00:04:23,129 --> 00:04:25,063 Well... 89 00:04:25,065 --> 00:04:26,999 I heard some shouting. 90 00:04:27,001 --> 00:04:29,034 And I look over, and Roy's by reception. 91 00:04:29,036 --> 00:04:31,236 And you could just tell he's gonna punch somebody. 92 00:04:31,238 --> 00:04:33,038 Jim says something. 93 00:04:33,040 --> 00:04:34,339 Roy stomps all over there. 94 00:04:34,341 --> 00:04:35,440 All of a sudden... bam! 95 00:04:35,442 --> 00:04:37,109 Roy goes down, and Dwight's standing there 96 00:04:37,111 --> 00:04:38,310 like an action hero. 97 00:04:38,312 --> 00:04:39,978 Oh! 98 00:04:39,980 --> 00:04:43,615 It was insane. 99 00:04:43,617 --> 00:04:47,185 Well... good for Dwight. 100 00:04:47,187 --> 00:04:48,887 Okay, I want you to be Darryl 101 00:04:48,889 --> 00:04:50,155 and ask me for a raise, 102 00:04:50,157 --> 00:04:51,323 because I need to try out 103 00:04:51,325 --> 00:04:53,158 some of these negotiation tactics on you. 104 00:04:53,160 --> 00:04:54,326 Where'd you get that? 105 00:04:54,328 --> 00:04:55,627 Wikipedia. 106 00:04:55,629 --> 00:04:59,264 Wikipedia is the best thing ever. 107 00:04:59,266 --> 00:05:00,999 Anyone in the world 108 00:05:01,001 --> 00:05:03,735 can write anything they want about any subject. 109 00:05:03,737 --> 00:05:06,138 So you know you are getting 110 00:05:06,140 --> 00:05:08,507 the best possible information. 111 00:05:08,509 --> 00:05:11,276 Okay, Darryl, ask me for a raise. 112 00:05:11,278 --> 00:05:13,111 Hey, Mike, since Roy left 113 00:05:13,113 --> 00:05:14,079 I've been doing a lot more work, 114 00:05:14,081 --> 00:05:14,079 and I need a raise. 115 00:05:14,081 --> 00:05:17,349 Hmm, well, that's interesting, Darryl. 116 00:05:17,351 --> 00:05:19,217 I think... 117 00:05:19,219 --> 00:05:21,320 that maybe you should... 118 00:05:28,261 --> 00:05:29,528 I can't hear you. 119 00:05:29,530 --> 00:05:31,463 What I'm saying is that... 120 00:05:34,702 --> 00:05:37,169 Still nothing. 121 00:05:37,171 --> 00:05:40,105 Okay, see what I did? - No. 122 00:05:40,107 --> 00:05:43,508 By leaning back and by whispering, 123 00:05:43,510 --> 00:05:46,511 I established a dominant physical position. 124 00:05:46,513 --> 00:05:48,046 Nice. 125 00:05:48,048 --> 00:05:50,449 Okay, let's try another one. - Okay. 126 00:05:51,617 --> 00:05:53,485 Walking out of the room unexpectently. 127 00:05:53,487 --> 00:05:55,220 And what happens in this one? 128 00:05:55,222 --> 00:05:57,456 That's a surprise. 129 00:05:57,458 --> 00:06:00,292 - Go ahead, ask me for a raise. - Can I have a raise? 130 00:06:04,097 --> 00:06:08,800 Sex, Steve Martin, Teri Hatcher. What? 131 00:06:08,802 --> 00:06:10,402 What did you say? 132 00:06:10,404 --> 00:06:13,271 I didn't say anything, I'm waiting to see what happened. 133 00:06:14,674 --> 00:06:18,577 This is interesting, what your given. 134 00:06:18,579 --> 00:06:20,612 I saw the perpetrator advance towards the victim, 135 00:06:20,614 --> 00:06:22,247 at a high rate of speed. 136 00:06:22,249 --> 00:06:24,716 His head was thrown back, his shoulder and arm cocked, 137 00:06:24,718 --> 00:06:26,585 indicating an attack position. 138 00:06:26,587 --> 00:06:28,920 Perp grabbed the victim, 139 00:06:28,922 --> 00:06:30,455 I removed my weapon 140 00:06:30,457 --> 00:06:32,391 from its secure hiding place. 141 00:06:32,393 --> 00:06:34,626 - Which is where? - Irrelevant. 142 00:06:34,628 --> 00:06:36,128 Discharged it at a distance 143 00:06:36,130 --> 00:06:37,462 of a little over a meter, 144 00:06:37,464 --> 00:06:42,200 Into the perpetrators eyes, nose and face area. 145 00:06:42,202 --> 00:06:46,738 Rendering him utterly and completely disabled. 146 00:06:46,740 --> 00:06:49,207 Then I contacted the authorities. 147 00:06:50,510 --> 00:06:52,377 The end. 148 00:06:52,945 --> 00:06:54,112 Thanks, Dwight. 149 00:06:55,014 --> 00:06:57,549 That is the bravest thing I have ever heard. 150 00:06:57,551 --> 00:06:59,518 I can't imagine what I would've done. 151 00:06:59,520 --> 00:07:00,786 I do. 152 00:07:00,788 --> 00:07:02,788 You would've left me to fend for myself. 153 00:07:02,790 --> 00:07:04,589 Like the time we were on the Ferris wheel 154 00:07:04,591 --> 00:07:05,690 and that kid dropped a milkshake on me 155 00:07:05,692 --> 00:07:06,992 and you just laughed. 156 00:07:06,994 --> 00:07:08,193 Well, that was funny. That's why. 157 00:07:08,195 --> 00:07:09,694 Oh, it was? - Mm-hmm. 158 00:07:09,696 --> 00:07:09,694 Okay, well, the next time that you get scared 159 00:07:09,696 --> 00:07:12,197 that you think a murderer is in your apartment 160 00:07:12,199 --> 00:07:13,598 in the middle of the night 161 00:07:13,600 --> 00:07:14,800 and you call me to calm you down... 162 00:07:14,802 --> 00:07:16,501 Can you stop? 163 00:07:16,503 --> 00:07:18,537 Because I'm not gonna do it anymore, Ryan, I'm not. 164 00:07:18,539 --> 00:07:20,605 There's a bunch of people back there maybe. 165 00:07:20,607 --> 00:07:21,907 I call you in the middle of the night 166 00:07:21,909 --> 00:07:23,909 to tell you that I love you. - Guys? 167 00:07:23,911 --> 00:07:27,045 I don't think Michael intended to punish me 168 00:07:27,047 --> 00:07:29,548 by putting Ryan back here with Kelly. 169 00:07:29,550 --> 00:07:35,487 But if he did intend that... wow. 170 00:07:35,489 --> 00:07:36,588 Genius. 171 00:07:36,590 --> 00:07:38,190 Yeah. 172 00:07:38,192 --> 00:07:39,458 You ready for me? 173 00:07:39,460 --> 00:07:42,194 Yes, yeah, absolutely. Have a seat. 174 00:07:42,196 --> 00:07:44,696 You know what? 175 00:07:44,698 --> 00:07:46,364 Actually, let's go into the conference room. 176 00:07:46,366 --> 00:07:49,434 - Okay. - No, you know what? Let's stay here. 177 00:07:50,536 --> 00:07:52,070 No, let's go to the con... 178 00:07:52,072 --> 00:07:54,239 Yeah, let's go to the conference room. 179 00:07:57,543 --> 00:07:59,244 Tactic number six. 180 00:07:59,246 --> 00:08:01,313 Change the location of the meeting 181 00:08:01,315 --> 00:08:02,414 at the last second. 182 00:08:02,416 --> 00:08:04,783 Totally throws 'em off. 183 00:08:13,560 --> 00:08:18,697 Number 14. Declining to speak first. 184 00:08:18,699 --> 00:08:21,633 Makes them feel uncomfortable, puts you in control. 185 00:08:40,353 --> 00:08:43,088 I am declining to speak first. 186 00:08:43,090 --> 00:08:44,656 Okay, I'll start. 187 00:08:44,658 --> 00:08:45,891 It's pretty simple really. 188 00:08:45,893 --> 00:08:48,960 I, um, I think I deserve a raise. 189 00:08:48,962 --> 00:08:51,196 I'm scheduled to get one in six months, 190 00:08:51,198 --> 00:08:53,698 but I'd like that to be moved up to now. 191 00:08:53,700 --> 00:08:57,135 Hmm. 192 00:08:57,137 --> 00:08:59,671 Ohh, Darryl. 193 00:08:59,673 --> 00:09:03,675 You are a good worker and a good man. 194 00:09:03,677 --> 00:09:07,712 I just... you know, times are tight. 195 00:09:09,415 --> 00:09:11,283 And I just don't think 196 00:09:11,285 --> 00:09:13,351 corporate's going to go for this right now. 197 00:09:13,353 --> 00:09:16,221 Are you wearing lady clothes? 198 00:09:16,223 --> 00:09:17,956 What? 199 00:09:17,958 --> 00:09:19,324 Are you wearing lady clothes? 200 00:09:19,326 --> 00:09:20,959 Those look like lady pants. 201 00:09:22,328 --> 00:09:24,262 No, this is a power suit. 202 00:09:24,264 --> 00:09:26,298 That there's a woman's suit. 203 00:09:26,300 --> 00:09:29,668 I do not buy women's clothes. 204 00:09:29,670 --> 00:09:31,903 Would not make that mistake again. 205 00:09:31,905 --> 00:09:34,072 I'm gonna call Roy, man. - Okay. 206 00:09:34,074 --> 00:09:35,373 This is gonna make him feel better. - All right. 207 00:09:35,375 --> 00:09:36,708 This is too good! 208 00:09:36,710 --> 00:09:38,843 All right, you know what? 209 00:09:38,845 --> 00:09:40,645 Pam, would you please tell Darryl 210 00:09:40,647 --> 00:09:43,014 that this is not a woman's suit. 211 00:09:43,016 --> 00:09:44,716 Oh, my God. That's a woman's suit. 212 00:09:44,718 --> 00:09:45,984 You're wearing a woman's suit? 213 00:09:45,986 --> 00:09:49,220 No, I do... I wear men's suits. 214 00:09:49,222 --> 00:09:50,956 Okay, I got this out of a bin. 215 00:09:50,958 --> 00:09:52,657 There were these huge bins of clothes, 216 00:09:52,659 --> 00:09:54,926 and everybody was rifling through them like crazy, 217 00:09:54,928 --> 00:09:57,862 and I grabbed one. 218 00:09:57,864 --> 00:09:59,464 And it fit. 219 00:09:59,466 --> 00:10:01,399 So I don't think 220 00:10:01,401 --> 00:10:04,402 that is totally just a woman's suit. 221 00:10:04,404 --> 00:10:06,938 At the very least it's bisexual. 222 00:10:06,940 --> 00:10:08,340 Who makes it? 223 00:10:09,542 --> 00:10:12,310 Um, MISSterious. 224 00:10:12,312 --> 00:10:14,346 And it is mysterious, 225 00:10:14,348 --> 00:10:15,480 because the buttons are on the wrong side. 226 00:10:15,482 --> 00:10:16,881 That's the mystery. 227 00:10:16,883 --> 00:10:18,083 It's got shoulder pads. 228 00:10:18,085 --> 00:10:19,651 And did you see that lining? 229 00:10:19,653 --> 00:10:22,020 Okay, would you stop it, please? 230 00:10:22,022 --> 00:10:23,788 So, none of that tipped you off? 231 00:10:23,790 --> 00:10:26,157 It's a European, okay? It's a European cut. 232 00:10:26,159 --> 00:10:28,426 Michael, the pants don't have any pockets. 233 00:10:28,428 --> 00:10:30,061 No, they don't. See? 234 00:10:31,097 --> 00:10:33,131 Italians don't wear pockets. 235 00:10:33,133 --> 00:10:35,734 It's been a really rough couple of days. 236 00:10:37,637 --> 00:10:39,604 This helps a little. 237 00:10:39,606 --> 00:10:42,007 Maybe you want to come over and raid my closet. 238 00:10:42,009 --> 00:10:45,143 No, I don't want to do that because I'm twice your size anyway. 239 00:10:45,145 --> 00:10:47,278 Yeah, he look like Hillary Clinton. 240 00:10:47,280 --> 00:10:48,947 Let's just do this in 15. 241 00:10:48,949 --> 00:10:50,849 Okay. Can you stand right there for one second. 242 00:10:50,851 --> 00:10:52,550 I gotta send some emails. 243 00:10:52,552 --> 00:10:55,587 Negotiations are all about controlling things. 244 00:10:55,589 --> 00:10:58,923 About being in the driver's seat. 245 00:10:58,925 --> 00:11:02,761 And... you make one tiny mistake, you're dead. 246 00:11:02,763 --> 00:11:04,896 I made one tiny mistake. 247 00:11:04,898 --> 00:11:06,931 I wore women's clothes. 248 00:11:08,968 --> 00:11:11,603 So Karen, how do you feel 249 00:11:11,605 --> 00:11:13,872 that Roy tried to kick your boyfriend's ass 250 00:11:13,874 --> 00:11:15,774 over another woman? 251 00:11:15,776 --> 00:11:19,377 I feel great, Kevin. Thank you. 252 00:11:19,379 --> 00:11:21,813 You must have been scared out of your mind. 253 00:11:21,815 --> 00:11:26,284 It happened so fast, I didn't have time to be scared. 254 00:11:26,286 --> 00:11:28,319 What happened exactly? 255 00:11:28,321 --> 00:11:29,621 I wasn't here, 256 00:11:29,623 --> 00:11:32,357 so I haven't really heard the whole story. 257 00:11:32,359 --> 00:11:34,626 Um, well, Jim and I were talking. 258 00:11:34,628 --> 00:11:36,161 Mm-hmm. 259 00:11:36,163 --> 00:11:38,430 And Roy walked in looking super angry. 260 00:11:38,432 --> 00:11:41,166 And he's a big dude, you know? 261 00:11:41,168 --> 00:11:42,133 And all of a sudden, 262 00:11:42,135 --> 00:11:43,702 Jim pushed me out of the way. 263 00:11:43,704 --> 00:11:46,137 And Roy cocked his fist. 264 00:11:46,139 --> 00:11:46,137 And then... bam! 265 00:11:46,139 --> 00:11:50,175 Dwight sprays him and knocks him on his butt. 266 00:11:50,177 --> 00:11:55,180 Goodness. 267 00:11:55,182 --> 00:11:57,482 When I heard Jim and Pam had kissed. 268 00:11:57,484 --> 00:11:59,517 My reaction was to have lots of long talks 269 00:11:59,519 --> 00:12:01,986 with Jim about our feelings. 270 00:12:01,988 --> 00:12:03,988 Roy just attacked him. 271 00:12:03,990 --> 00:12:07,058 I'm not sure which one Jim hated more. 272 00:12:07,060 --> 00:12:08,359 Let's get down to business. 273 00:12:08,361 --> 00:12:09,961 Why don't you tell me 274 00:12:09,963 --> 00:12:11,796 why you think you deserve a raise. 275 00:12:11,798 --> 00:12:15,266 Well, it's simple Mike. We merged these two branches, right? 276 00:12:15,268 --> 00:12:18,369 So now, we're shipping twice as many orders as we used too. 277 00:12:18,371 --> 00:12:20,705 With Roy gone, we have a smaller crew, 278 00:12:20,707 --> 00:12:22,640 and I'm picking up all his slack. 279 00:12:22,642 --> 00:12:25,877 So, I think I should be compensated, fairly, by getting a raise. 280 00:12:25,879 --> 00:12:28,546 Those are very good points. 281 00:12:28,548 --> 00:12:30,648 What? I can't hear you. 282 00:12:30,650 --> 00:12:32,617 Those are very good points. 283 00:12:32,619 --> 00:12:34,886 I can't. What? Mike, are you... 284 00:12:36,956 --> 00:12:40,225 You make very compelling arguments. 285 00:12:46,298 --> 00:12:48,333 Sorry I almost got you killed. 286 00:12:48,335 --> 00:12:50,135 Yeah. 287 00:12:50,137 --> 00:12:51,703 That was nuts. 288 00:12:51,705 --> 00:12:54,372 He could have broken your nose or something. 289 00:12:54,374 --> 00:12:56,441 Crazy. 290 00:12:59,211 --> 00:13:01,179 It's just so stupid. 291 00:13:01,181 --> 00:13:04,149 I mean, getting back with Roy and everything. 292 00:13:04,151 --> 00:13:07,018 I mean, what was I thinking, right? 293 00:13:08,320 --> 00:13:11,656 No, I mean, you guys really seem to have a strong connection. 294 00:13:11,658 --> 00:13:13,291 Not anymore. 295 00:13:13,293 --> 00:13:17,796 It's, um... it's completely over now. 296 00:13:17,798 --> 00:13:19,764 We'll see. 297 00:13:19,766 --> 00:13:21,166 I'm sure you guys'll... 298 00:13:21,168 --> 00:13:23,735 find your way back to one another someday. 299 00:13:23,737 --> 00:13:25,270 Jim... 300 00:13:27,239 --> 00:13:29,107 I am really... sorry. 301 00:13:29,109 --> 00:13:31,509 Oh, yeah. Don't worry about it. 302 00:13:35,114 --> 00:13:37,115 I'm going to give you a piece of paper. 303 00:13:37,117 --> 00:13:39,818 I want you to write down how much you want, 304 00:13:39,820 --> 00:13:43,721 then I want you to slide it back across the desk to me. 305 00:13:43,723 --> 00:13:45,990 Why can't I just tell you? 306 00:13:45,992 --> 00:13:49,594 Because, that is the way these things are done. 307 00:13:49,596 --> 00:13:51,429 In films. 308 00:13:55,668 --> 00:13:56,968 No, slide... slide it, yes. 309 00:13:56,970 --> 00:13:59,103 There you go. 310 00:14:00,906 --> 00:14:02,874 Oh... 311 00:14:02,876 --> 00:14:04,576 Come on... be serious. 312 00:14:04,578 --> 00:14:06,277 I am serious, Mike. That's a 10% raise. 313 00:14:06,279 --> 00:14:07,312 That's what I want. 314 00:14:07,314 --> 00:14:08,646 I can't give you that. 315 00:14:08,648 --> 00:14:10,582 I-I don't make this much. 316 00:14:10,584 --> 00:14:11,983 Come on, be for real, Mike. 317 00:14:11,985 --> 00:14:13,017 I don't. 318 00:14:13,019 --> 00:14:15,053 I'll prove it to you. 319 00:14:15,055 --> 00:14:18,489 There is a pay stub. 320 00:14:22,829 --> 00:14:24,796 Are you serious? You're earning this? 321 00:14:24,798 --> 00:14:26,264 Plus perks, yes. 322 00:14:26,266 --> 00:14:28,299 Mike, this is barely more than I make. 323 00:14:28,301 --> 00:14:29,868 You've been here ten years, dog. 324 00:14:31,638 --> 00:14:32,637 14 years. 325 00:14:32,639 --> 00:14:33,738 Hoho! 326 00:14:33,740 --> 00:14:35,273 No, please... please don't... 327 00:14:35,275 --> 00:14:35,273 Oh, sorry, Mike. 328 00:14:35,275 --> 00:14:38,176 Some of my folks got to hear about this one. 329 00:14:38,178 --> 00:14:39,744 Ah. 330 00:14:39,746 --> 00:14:41,246 Okay, let's take 15 again. 331 00:14:42,916 --> 00:14:44,949 A boss's salary isn't just about money. 332 00:14:44,951 --> 00:14:46,284 It is about perks. 333 00:14:46,286 --> 00:14:48,686 It... for example, 334 00:14:48,688 --> 00:14:51,623 every year, I get a $100 gas card. 335 00:14:51,625 --> 00:14:53,825 Can't put a price tag on that. 336 00:14:55,928 --> 00:14:58,696 Okay, if you don't want a gift at least let me buy you a beer, 337 00:14:58,698 --> 00:15:00,365 or lunch or something. 338 00:15:00,367 --> 00:15:02,033 When Han Solo returns to the Death Star 339 00:15:02,035 --> 00:15:03,635 in the Millennium Falcon, 340 00:15:03,637 --> 00:15:06,571 and shoots down the Tie Fighter and saves the rebel cause... 341 00:15:06,573 --> 00:15:09,607 Do you think he does so for a free beer? 342 00:15:09,609 --> 00:15:11,009 - Boy, I... - No! 343 00:15:11,011 --> 00:15:13,011 And why are you so interested in buying me something, Jim 344 00:15:13,013 --> 00:15:14,746 What's your angle? 345 00:15:16,282 --> 00:15:19,150 It's like when he annoys me and I want ot screw with him to get him back. 346 00:15:19,152 --> 00:15:20,852 He never sees it coming. 347 00:15:20,854 --> 00:15:23,588 But now I want to be nice to him and actually give him something. 348 00:15:23,590 --> 00:15:26,491 He's like an eel, I just can't grab onto him. 349 00:15:26,493 --> 00:15:28,459 It's infuriating. 350 00:15:28,461 --> 00:15:31,329 Maybe you just feel guilty about all the pranks. 351 00:15:33,565 --> 00:15:35,900 Yes, that's probably what it is. 352 00:15:35,902 --> 00:15:37,869 So, what do I do? 353 00:15:37,871 --> 00:15:38,903 Hmm. 354 00:15:38,905 --> 00:15:40,438 I don't know. Maybe you should 355 00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:43,207 go back out there and sell paper, so we can go on a trip. 356 00:15:45,344 --> 00:15:46,311 Michael. 357 00:15:46,313 --> 00:15:47,378 Hmm? 358 00:15:47,380 --> 00:15:48,746 Here's the, uh, $15 I owe you. 359 00:15:48,748 --> 00:15:50,248 - Oh, thank you. - Yeah. 360 00:15:50,250 --> 00:15:51,616 I heard you might need it. 361 00:15:51,618 --> 00:15:55,553 So... just take it. 362 00:15:55,555 --> 00:15:57,155 Here's the $40 you gave me. 363 00:15:57,157 --> 00:15:59,190 I didn't give you $40. 364 00:15:59,192 --> 00:16:01,292 In a way you did. 365 00:16:03,095 --> 00:16:06,431 Yeah, I heard how much Michael makes. 366 00:16:06,433 --> 00:16:09,567 I still think he's way overpaid. 367 00:16:09,569 --> 00:16:12,337 14 years. 14. 368 00:16:13,706 --> 00:16:14,839 I know. 369 00:16:15,574 --> 00:16:18,643 Okay, I gotta go. Late. 370 00:16:19,645 --> 00:16:20,778 Okay. 371 00:16:20,780 --> 00:16:22,914 Okay, here's the straight dope. 372 00:16:22,916 --> 00:16:24,882 No tricks, no Wikipedia. 373 00:16:24,884 --> 00:16:25,817 What? 374 00:16:25,819 --> 00:16:27,051 I talked to corporate, 375 00:16:27,053 --> 00:16:28,786 and they told me 376 00:16:28,788 --> 00:16:31,889 that I can only give you a 5% raise. 377 00:16:31,891 --> 00:16:33,057 That's 'cause of you, Mike. 378 00:16:33,059 --> 00:16:34,258 They're not gonna give the working man 379 00:16:34,260 --> 00:16:35,660 more than the boss. 380 00:16:35,662 --> 00:16:36,761 Well, what am I supposed to do? 381 00:16:36,763 --> 00:16:38,496 Get your own raise. 382 00:16:38,498 --> 00:16:40,932 You gotta get out there and earn, son. 383 00:16:40,934 --> 00:16:42,667 I'm not gonna go out and ask for a raise right now. 384 00:16:42,669 --> 00:16:44,135 That is ridiculous. 385 00:16:44,137 --> 00:16:46,137 Well when they merged the two branches together, 386 00:16:46,139 --> 00:16:48,206 they put you in charge. 387 00:16:48,208 --> 00:16:50,775 Okay, and we shippin' more now than we ever have. 388 00:16:50,777 --> 00:16:52,310 That's true. 389 00:16:52,312 --> 00:16:55,380 You gotta call your girl... and get paid. 390 00:16:55,382 --> 00:16:57,782 Show her who wears the pants in the relationship. 391 00:16:58,884 --> 00:17:00,585 You know what? I should. 392 00:17:00,587 --> 00:17:01,819 Yeah you should. 393 00:17:01,821 --> 00:17:05,089 I have been an loyal employee for a long time. 394 00:17:05,091 --> 00:17:06,824 14 years long. 395 00:17:06,826 --> 00:17:08,426 You know what? I deserve a bump. 396 00:17:08,428 --> 00:17:09,861 Make it happen, Captain. 397 00:17:12,698 --> 00:17:15,466 I am makin' it happen... Sergeant. 398 00:17:15,468 --> 00:17:19,470 I remember it was very late at night, about 11:00 or 11:30 399 00:17:19,472 --> 00:17:22,373 Big fellow came in screaming about God knows what, 400 00:17:22,375 --> 00:17:25,977 I think maybe Halpert had stolen his car. 401 00:17:25,979 --> 00:17:29,547 The big fellow pulls out a sock full of nickels. 402 00:17:29,549 --> 00:17:32,884 Then Schrute grabs a can of hairspray and a lighter. 403 00:17:32,886 --> 00:17:34,852 You're useless. 404 00:17:37,356 --> 00:17:40,725 We'll talk next month after the quarter ends. 405 00:17:42,227 --> 00:17:44,395 No, Jan. 406 00:17:44,397 --> 00:17:47,498 I've never asked for a raise in 14 years. 407 00:17:47,500 --> 00:17:49,467 This is long overdue. 408 00:17:49,469 --> 00:17:50,968 I wanna do it today. 409 00:17:50,970 --> 00:17:52,103 Today? All right. 410 00:17:52,105 --> 00:17:54,505 Well, if you want to do it today... 411 00:17:54,507 --> 00:17:58,309 We should do it in person and can you get here by Five? 412 00:17:58,311 --> 00:18:03,014 Yeah! yeah, I'll leave right away. 413 00:18:03,016 --> 00:18:05,783 Well, uh, listen, because of our, uh, situation, 414 00:18:05,785 --> 00:18:08,152 we're gonna need to have a third party present. 415 00:18:08,154 --> 00:18:10,254 Yes, I'm bringing Darryl. 416 00:18:10,256 --> 00:18:11,923 D-Darryl from the warehouse? 417 00:18:11,925 --> 00:18:14,225 Mm-hmm. No, Michael. 418 00:18:14,227 --> 00:18:16,427 We... we need an H.R. rep. 419 00:18:16,429 --> 00:18:19,197 So uh, you should just bring Toby. 420 00:18:19,199 --> 00:18:21,232 Hey... I'd rather kill myself. 421 00:18:21,234 --> 00:18:23,167 Michael, he's your branch's H.R. rep. 422 00:18:23,169 --> 00:18:25,269 - Toby is terrible. - And we need someone else in the room 423 00:18:25,271 --> 00:18:27,705 - Toby is the worst human being - because of our relationship. 424 00:18:27,707 --> 00:18:29,540 - I've ever known... You know this. - Michael! 425 00:18:29,542 --> 00:18:31,776 Either Toby comes with you, or we don't do it. 426 00:18:35,180 --> 00:18:36,881 Fine. 427 00:18:36,883 --> 00:18:39,317 - You are so mean. - I don't know what you're talking about. 428 00:18:39,319 --> 00:18:42,286 Yes you do, Ryan Bailey Howard. You call me "stupid." 429 00:18:42,288 --> 00:18:44,088 Toby, come on, let's go. 430 00:18:44,090 --> 00:18:45,456 Where? Where? 431 00:18:45,458 --> 00:18:46,991 I'm gonna smack you in the head with a hammer. 432 00:18:46,993 --> 00:18:49,760 Come on, let's go. 433 00:18:49,762 --> 00:18:51,929 All right. 434 00:19:01,673 --> 00:19:04,408 - Comfortable, Mike? - Yeah. 435 00:19:04,410 --> 00:19:07,111 - What about you? You comfortable? - No. 436 00:19:10,782 --> 00:19:14,852 Don't ever touch a black man's radio! 437 00:19:14,854 --> 00:19:16,988 Chris Tucker. Rush Hour. 438 00:19:16,990 --> 00:19:18,656 You know? 439 00:19:20,626 --> 00:19:22,894 I won't touch yours, by the way. 440 00:19:22,896 --> 00:19:25,129 Thank you. Well... 441 00:19:25,131 --> 00:19:27,532 I haven't been to New York in a long time. 442 00:19:29,268 --> 00:19:31,569 Maybe I'll stay overnight. 443 00:19:31,571 --> 00:19:33,604 Got a cousin live down there. 444 00:19:33,606 --> 00:19:35,573 How would we get home? 445 00:19:35,575 --> 00:19:38,476 Oh, you could stay too. He's got a big place. 446 00:19:38,478 --> 00:19:41,445 - Maybe I'll stay. - It's not that big. 447 00:19:41,447 --> 00:19:44,515 The busses will get ya home quick. 448 00:19:45,784 --> 00:19:47,518 And then all of a sudden, Dwight stood up 449 00:19:47,520 --> 00:19:49,053 and was like, "No!" 450 00:19:49,055 --> 00:19:50,788 Then what'd he do? 451 00:19:50,790 --> 00:19:52,190 Well, you should just read the report that Toby did. 452 00:19:52,192 --> 00:19:53,457 He took everyone's stories. 453 00:19:55,627 --> 00:19:57,695 Customer Service, this is Kelly. 454 00:19:59,097 --> 00:20:02,066 Yes, I can help you with that. 455 00:20:02,068 --> 00:20:04,001 Let me pull up your file. 456 00:20:05,237 --> 00:20:09,640 Okay, it seems here that you ordered 12,000 reams of paper. 457 00:20:09,642 --> 00:20:11,409 Oh, 12 reams. 458 00:20:22,988 --> 00:20:23,921 Hey, guys. 459 00:20:23,923 --> 00:20:27,725 Jan is ready for you. 460 00:20:27,727 --> 00:20:28,926 Okay. 461 00:20:28,928 --> 00:20:28,926 Okay, bring it home now. 462 00:20:28,928 --> 00:20:32,463 And don't forget the new black man phrase I taught you. 463 00:20:32,465 --> 00:20:33,998 Pippity poppity, give me the zoppity. 464 00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:36,467 Yes, sir! Remember that. 465 00:20:36,469 --> 00:20:38,002 I'll be right outside if you need me. 466 00:20:38,004 --> 00:20:39,670 All right. 467 00:20:42,708 --> 00:20:45,476 I want him to get the raise. 468 00:20:45,478 --> 00:20:46,877 I...just can't help myself. 469 00:21:04,763 --> 00:21:07,265 Hey, man, uh... 470 00:21:07,267 --> 00:21:08,866 I'm sorry. 471 00:21:22,447 --> 00:21:24,415 Thanks. 472 00:21:34,793 --> 00:21:36,727 Can I, like... 473 00:21:36,729 --> 00:21:38,896 see you after work for coffee or something? 474 00:21:38,898 --> 00:21:41,332 I don't know. 475 00:21:41,334 --> 00:21:43,934 Please. 476 00:21:43,936 --> 00:21:46,437 I just got some stuff I gotta say to you. 477 00:21:54,313 --> 00:21:55,980 Jim! 478 00:21:55,982 --> 00:21:57,882 Roy. Look out! 479 00:21:57,884 --> 00:22:00,584 Thanks, Kev. I'm... good, though. 480 00:22:01,687 --> 00:22:03,688 Thank you, Hunter. 481 00:22:04,690 --> 00:22:06,757 Hello, come in. 482 00:22:12,130 --> 00:22:14,498 Who's the boy toy? 483 00:22:14,500 --> 00:22:15,966 My new assistant. 484 00:22:15,968 --> 00:22:19,537 Were you going to tell me that you hired James Van Der Beek 485 00:22:19,539 --> 00:22:22,373 I have to call you when I get a new assistant now? 486 00:22:22,375 --> 00:22:26,243 It would be nice to get a memo, We are lovers. 487 00:22:26,245 --> 00:22:28,312 Hi, Jan. 488 00:22:30,015 --> 00:22:32,149 Hi, Toby. 489 00:22:36,088 --> 00:22:39,290 First off, Michael, this a salary negotiation. 490 00:22:39,292 --> 00:22:41,125 All matters regarding our personal relationship 491 00:22:41,127 --> 00:22:42,626 have to be set aside. 492 00:22:42,628 --> 00:22:43,828 Are we clear? 493 00:22:43,830 --> 00:22:45,296 Bippity boppity. 494 00:22:46,164 --> 00:22:48,799 Right now, we can offer you a 6% raise. 495 00:22:48,801 --> 00:22:50,601 6%? Mm-hmm. 496 00:22:50,603 --> 00:22:51,669 After all we've been through? 497 00:22:51,671 --> 00:22:54,538 Oh, God. I got you jade earrings. 498 00:22:54,540 --> 00:22:56,674 - Michael... - No. No. 499 00:22:56,676 --> 00:22:58,843 No. You're gonna play it like this? 500 00:22:58,845 --> 00:23:01,145 You give me a good raise, 501 00:23:01,147 --> 00:23:03,314 or no more sex. 502 00:23:05,817 --> 00:23:07,551 What are you writing, perv-ball? 503 00:23:07,553 --> 00:23:10,154 Just preparing for the deposition. 504 00:23:10,156 --> 00:23:12,289 This may be the first time that a male subordinate 505 00:23:12,291 --> 00:23:15,326 has attempted to get a modest, scheduled raise 506 00:23:15,328 --> 00:23:18,496 by threatening to withhold sex from a female superior. 507 00:23:18,498 --> 00:23:21,265 It will be a groundbreaking case... 508 00:23:21,267 --> 00:23:23,501 when it inevitably goes to trial. 509 00:23:24,403 --> 00:23:27,405 I'm so sorry, Pammy. 510 00:23:27,407 --> 00:23:29,273 I really wasn't gonna do anything. 511 00:23:29,275 --> 00:23:33,444 But then I... kept thinking about you two together, and... 512 00:23:35,313 --> 00:23:37,281 I just thought you guys were really good friends or... 513 00:23:37,283 --> 00:23:41,419 or maybe he was gay or something. 514 00:23:41,421 --> 00:23:43,487 Not that that's wrong. 515 00:23:46,258 --> 00:23:48,459 I'm sorry too. 516 00:23:49,462 --> 00:23:54,198 I just... I think that we both made some bad choices. 517 00:24:02,240 --> 00:24:05,342 So you gonna start datin' Halpert, then? 518 00:24:05,344 --> 00:24:08,345 Um... no. 519 00:24:08,347 --> 00:24:10,214 No, he has a girlfriend. 520 00:24:10,216 --> 00:24:12,249 Oh, yeah. 521 00:24:14,352 --> 00:24:17,488 Wait a minute, you broke off our wedding for the guy. 522 00:24:17,490 --> 00:24:20,024 No. 523 00:24:20,026 --> 00:24:23,194 There were a lot of reasons. 524 00:24:23,196 --> 00:24:26,397 You mean you're not even gonna try to go out with him? 525 00:24:31,069 --> 00:24:33,537 I don't get you, Pam. 526 00:24:33,539 --> 00:24:35,506 I know. 527 00:24:42,314 --> 00:24:44,248 What's this? 528 00:24:44,250 --> 00:24:45,516 What's what? 529 00:24:45,518 --> 00:24:47,084 "Certificate of Bravery 530 00:24:47,086 --> 00:24:48,452 "from the Scranton Police Department. 531 00:24:48,454 --> 00:24:51,322 "Recognizing outstanding citizenship 532 00:24:51,324 --> 00:24:54,225 from a very brave young man, Dwight K. Schrute"? 533 00:24:54,227 --> 00:24:56,460 Wow, I guess word got around. 534 00:24:56,462 --> 00:24:57,995 That's a nice honor. 535 00:24:57,997 --> 00:25:00,264 Please, they hand these out to little kids. 536 00:25:00,266 --> 00:25:03,701 Look, there's a teddy bear in a policeman's cap. 537 00:25:03,703 --> 00:25:05,536 Mm... didn't think you'd notice. 538 00:25:07,874 --> 00:25:12,977 Why don't you just take that pen and stab me in the heart. 539 00:25:12,979 --> 00:25:15,379 This is me, Jan. This is me! 540 00:25:15,381 --> 00:25:18,582 Michael, why don't we just take a break? 541 00:25:18,584 --> 00:25:20,117 Okay. 542 00:25:20,119 --> 00:25:22,086 No, no, no, no. 543 00:25:22,088 --> 00:25:24,555 You do not try tactic number 8 on me. 544 00:25:24,557 --> 00:25:26,357 I invented tactic number 8. 545 00:25:27,225 --> 00:25:29,593 Okay, Toby how about if you... - Sure. 546 00:25:37,302 --> 00:25:39,236 What's wrong with you? 547 00:25:39,238 --> 00:25:43,707 Ohh. It was a weird day. 548 00:25:43,709 --> 00:25:45,609 I accidentally cross-dressed. 549 00:25:46,578 --> 00:25:48,345 And then Darryl made me feel bad 550 00:25:48,347 --> 00:25:50,714 for not making any money. 551 00:25:50,716 --> 00:25:52,516 And then I had to ride up here with stupid Toby. 552 00:25:52,518 --> 00:25:53,918 And then... 553 00:25:53,920 --> 00:25:55,119 your assistant, 554 00:25:55,121 --> 00:25:57,655 is all young and hot... 555 00:25:57,657 --> 00:25:59,056 Okay, Michael... 556 00:25:59,058 --> 00:26:02,493 I can offer you a 12% raise. 557 00:26:02,495 --> 00:26:03,427 But... 558 00:26:04,062 --> 00:26:07,064 you have got to ask for 15. 559 00:26:08,300 --> 00:26:09,633 That's ridiculous. I'm never gonna make... 560 00:26:09,635 --> 00:26:10,968 No, just... 561 00:26:10,970 --> 00:26:13,837 I just need you to ask for it... 562 00:26:13,839 --> 00:26:16,540 so I can record that you asked for it. 563 00:26:16,542 --> 00:26:18,108 'Kay? 564 00:26:18,877 --> 00:26:21,045 Ah, so... 565 00:26:26,785 --> 00:26:28,686 All right, Levinson. 566 00:26:29,988 --> 00:26:32,189 Here's the rub. 567 00:26:32,191 --> 00:26:34,925 I would like a 15% raise. 568 00:26:34,927 --> 00:26:36,894 No! But we can offer you 12. 569 00:26:36,896 --> 00:26:38,462 But you just said 15. 570 00:26:39,932 --> 00:26:43,167 Negotiation is an art. 571 00:26:43,169 --> 00:26:45,836 Back and forth, give and take. 572 00:26:45,838 --> 00:26:49,940 And today, both Darryl and I took something. 573 00:26:49,942 --> 00:26:53,644 Higher salaries. Win, win, win. 574 00:26:53,646 --> 00:26:56,814 But, you know, life is about more 575 00:26:56,816 --> 00:26:58,983 than just salary. 576 00:26:58,985 --> 00:27:02,186 It's about... perks. 577 00:27:02,787 --> 00:27:04,388 Like having sex with Jan. 578 00:27:04,390 --> 00:27:05,990 Michael! 579 00:27:23,708 --> 00:27:25,609 I've been doing some very interesting reading. 580 00:27:25,611 --> 00:27:27,344 Really? Mm-hmm. 581 00:27:27,346 --> 00:27:29,013 Tales of bravery. 582 00:27:29,015 --> 00:27:30,314 Hmm. Good stuff? 583 00:27:30,316 --> 00:27:32,416 Mm-hmm. 584 00:27:32,418 --> 00:27:34,351 I was thinking tonight, we could... 585 00:27:34,353 --> 00:27:36,654 read it together. 586 00:27:36,656 --> 00:27:38,622 That sounds... 587 00:27:38,624 --> 00:27:40,924 fun. 588 00:27:55,508 --> 00:27:59,309 I... 589 00:27:59,311 --> 00:28:02,379 will never say a word. 590 00:28:02,381 --> 00:28:05,449 And now... we are even. 591 00:28:09,454 --> 00:28:11,455 I graduated from anger management the same way 592 00:28:11,457 --> 00:28:14,124 I graduated from Cornell... on time. 593 00:28:14,126 --> 00:28:16,260 Now I'm back, got a second chance, 594 00:28:16,262 --> 00:28:18,028 and I'm not gonna blow it. 595 00:28:18,030 --> 00:28:20,064 So look out, Dunder-Mifflin! 596 00:28:22,034 --> 00:28:24,134 I mean "look out" in a fun way. 597 00:28:24,136 --> 00:28:26,470 You know, not like, "I'm gonna hurt you." 598 00:28:26,472 --> 00:28:28,706 Hey, guys! 599 00:28:28,708 --> 00:28:30,174 Guess who's back? 600 00:28:30,176 --> 00:28:31,742 Aah! Aah! 601 00:28:33,779 --> 00:28:35,412 Ohh, God! 602 00:28:35,414 --> 00:28:36,947 No need to thank me. 603 00:28:36,949 --> 00:28:39,116 I am not a hero. 604 00:28:39,118 --> 00:28:41,852 I am a mere defender of the office. 605 00:28:41,854 --> 00:28:43,454 You know who's a real hero? 606 00:28:43,456 --> 00:28:45,422 Hiro from "Heroes." 607 00:28:45,424 --> 00:28:48,325 That's a hero. 608 00:28:48,327 --> 00:28:49,793 Also Bono.