Hey, so this isn't matching up with this
and I'm not sure which one is right
Can you just hunt down the original for me?
Yes, me do
All right
Hey, KevKev, what were you saying before about the paperwork?
Me do it now. Go. Stop worry
Kevin, do you feel okay?
Me feel good. Body strong Sleep big last night
Yeah, I think we should get him to the hospital.
Yeah, all right, Kev why don't you come with us?
No, he's fine. - No, no, guys He's fine.
He's always been like that
No, he hasn't
I mean, he's gotten worse over the years, but
He's making a statement
It's an ironic comment on our expectations of him
A funhouse image of our model of Kevin.
You keep think that
Me mechanic not speak English
but he know what me mean when me say, "Car no go.'
And we best friends
So me think why waste time say lot word when few word do trick.
Kevin, I appreciate what you're trying to do
Thank
Here we have a word code
Same way we have a dress code.
And what we're talking about is
basically the speech equivalent to just wearing underpants
Sometimes words you no need use
but need need for talk talk.
But save time. More success
Does it save time, though? Because we've been here for about an hour
No me fault
Kevin, at most you're saving a microscopic amount of time
Many small time make big time.
What are you going to do with all this time?
See world
Kevin, you can't possibly save enough time to see the world
Kevin, are you saying "see the world' or SeaWorld?
See world Oceans. Fish Jump. China.
No, see? Right there that's the problem with your method
because I still don't know if you're saying SeaWorld or <<see the world.'
And it's taking a lot of time to explain it
Fine, fine, I'll talk normally
When me president they see
They see
This week we are rolling out the brand new Sabre tablet, the Pyramid.
Why is it shaped like that?
So you can tell your clients "Unleash the power of the pyramid
It's huge How much does it weigh?
Oh, no, no, no Without the battery pack
and the optional memory booster, it's barely 3 pounds
How much memory does it have without the booster?
Fifty L
I'm sorry, "L"? - Mmm-hmm
How many I to a K?
DWIGHT You're really going to want the booster.
How on earth are we supposed to sell
I'll take five
Andy, don't make us sell this stupid thing
Oh, no, no, no, no, no This is Dwight's meeting
Thank you. The I just wanted to pop in
and get your opinions on ties and tie clips.
Which combo do you think Robert's going to like more?
What do you think, C-Span?
"C-Span"?
Yeah, C-Span. Cocker spaniel
Spaniel because of your Spanish bloodline Cocker because
Is this really the best use of our collective time?
I am still forming a first impression with Robert
Once it is formed we can all relax, okay?
I'm sorry to hijack your meeting, D-Dub-Dog, had to pull rank
Okay, let's look at some ties.
Here's how I'm going to help out from now on.
I'm going to not care
And I'm going to sit around quietly
waiting for Andy's inevitable demise
Your friend Neil Patrick Harris
really made me laugh the other night.
D Dog, you have a message
Erin, you don't need to call him that
Andy wants us to, P Dog
It's okay, E Dog Who called?
Justine. She said she's coming by later
Your ex-wife?
Wait, I thought she was a *
and you * hated her guts
No, no, no, I like her
Well, I was just quoting you
I would never say that about her. I don't know the woman
No, man. We get along now real well
All right Can't wait to meet her
I'll introduce you
Yeah, we had a few fights I suppose
but last night we put a lot of that to bed.
I can't tell you what I did with my ex-wife last night
I have to sing it
We took a shower
We were naked
We...
Oh
Hi, Dad. I Oh, boy.
Hello, Andy Excellent tie
Would you be requiring a cold beverage while you're here?
I'd love some coffee
I was looking over your projections and I think we can do better
Are you factoring in the whole national economy declining and all that?
Andy, do you know why I chose you?
I think I can sum it up with what I think
is your favorite ice cream flavor
Vanilla?
Vanilla? No
You'll never guess in a million billion years you'll never guess
You were saying you chose me There was a reason
Andy, can you inspire? Do you have that skill set?
Can I inspire? I don't know
Oh, thank you
Oh, sorry
Yeah, just put it down
Mmm
That is very cold
Yeah, it's old
Why would I
I asked if you wanted a cold beverage
and you said coffee
Why don't we get Robert a nice, hot, fresh cup and I will have this.
Andy, you don't want that.
I've been craving a freezing cup of old coffee.
Mmm
Sorry
You like her
I do. Yeah
She likes you
You know, we've both been into each other at different times
and just never really synced up
Now we're in this weird dance and now we're...
I'm afraid you've lost my interest
Let me call you back
I got to go
If the office superstore was supposed to
put us little suppliers out of business
why are we still here?
Yeah This is where we go.
You'd go someplace else That's not it That's not the answer.
It's a answer. It's a wrong answer
There are no wrong answers
Take a look at where you are
Where you once worked in a dying industry, you now work at its birth
Those superstores are terrified of us.
Anybody know why?
Wait, they're terrified?
Let me tell you how I buy something these days
I know what I want, I go on the Internet and get the best price
Or I don't know what I want and I go to a small store that can help me
The era of personal service is back You are back.
You'll find that customers will pay our higher prices
and then they w thank us
and we will say to them "You are welcome."
Thank you
Ooh
Andrew, I chose you for a reason Lead these people.
Show me the best numbers this place has ever seen.
Last quarter we saw 4% growth. Double it
You got it Double.
Done I'm not kidding.
Neither am I It's already done
I'm just kidding
It's going to take some time. Double
Hey
What's up, guys?
Just thought we'd have a little rap session.
Talk about business. See how things are going
Why don't you start?
If no one else wants to
I was just thinking about Robert Man, what a boss.
Just throws down goals you know?
Anyway, how's the sales doubling project going?
Yeah, how are we supposed to do that?
We can't just press a magic button
Of course not. There's no magic button
You have to summon that
If we could just double our sales, we already would have
You're not making any sense
He brings up two good points
Do you have any new leads? And new territories you want us to look into?
Maybe have an in with a big client
that we could get our foot in the door?
Dwight, anything?
We could talk about how fast children grow up
and before you know it they're out of the house
You know what? We need to get our heads out of the box
If we did have something
what would it look like? What would it be?
Tuna
New leads, new territory to look into
maybe an in with a big company
that we could get our foot in the door
Fart
Good sesh
That leg's asleep
Hello
I'm looking for Darryl Philbin?
Don't
Oh
You must think... No, I'm not I'm using the fax
This isn't No, wait.
I'm not supposed to represent the company, right?
There's usually an Erin here, so
Okay
Darryl, a girl
Rub a dub, dub, apricot scrub
What's up, darling?
Everybody this is Justine
Hi, Justine - Hello.
This is Jim, Oscar
Hi
Everybody
Kevin
Can we go someplace private?
Follow me. I got a space
After you I've been thinking about you all morning
I don't know what you did I can barely walk today.
D Bone, there you are
Let me guess Somebody needs a brownie
Lick the spoon?
No. No. That's okay
I just, I wanted to ask you about
Is this about the profits?
Because if it is, I just don't see the point It's so Wall Street.
I know, right? Yeah
Um
How is everything?
Good. Really, really good
Must be a tough time to be a family farm.
It is And beets are not immune
I made some inroads in salad but heirloom tomatoes are pushing back.
What are you going to do about that?
I don't know, what do you mean?
Got to be some way you could double your beet sales
You wanted the job the job is yours, just do the job.
And I'll do mine
Walnuts?
No
Have you seen this?
Parenting? Yeah.
This is Cece's favorite magazine
She loves the pictures of babies
She looks at it when she's on the potty and she makes the faces
Have you read it?
Has an adult member of your family read this particular issue?
I flipped through it
So you saw the article on the importance of
taking frequent walks while you're pregnant?
Of course, yeah. - We know that
I will be taking a morning walk and an afternoon walk.
Would you like to join me?
That sounds nice
Great
You have a walking buddy
I do
Thanks for coming in, guys
You don't have to thank us for coming in It's our job
Well, I never got thanked for coming into a meeting
and I always wanted to be, so I<m going to thank people.
What's under the blanket?
This is what's under the blanket
We don't get it
These are incentives. It's how we're going to double growth
Now, you're probably all asking yourselves "Well, how does this work?'
It seems like a basic reward system where you give us points
and then we redeem those points for prizes
You're exactly right and you get a point
Oh. Uh, is that a vibrator?
20 points
How does one get a point?
I've outlined the exact parameters
in an email so check your spam folders
But basically, you do your job better you get points.
So collect 15 points and redeem them for this polar bear.
Why is it all kids' stuff and a vibrator? It's so gross.
There's lots of stuff
John Irving, collected works 22 points.
Or you can pool your points and redeem 55 for this maternity shirt. Ahem
How about you want us to work harder, pay us more.
I can't
This points system is really insulting.
Ooh
I didn't mean to offend you and I hope you'll forgive me
because I am very very "sari." 16 points
That's a tablecloth
What if we went all the way up to 500 points?
That's a crazy amount of points
But what if? Well, what do you want?
I don't know. For such a crazy number
I'd like something pretty crazy
All right, for 500 points, I will wear a dress to work
That's pretty good What about for 1,000 points?
I'll run naked through the parking lot
with a donut on my ding dong
Yeah, you like that?
All right for 5,000 points
I will let you tattoo whatever you want
on the stern of the old S.S. Bernard
No Really?
All right. All right And you are totally serious?
Swear to God. Hope to die Now let's get to work.
Wait, but you did say we can pool our points right?
In that case
let's get to work, guys - Yeah!
Let's do it, guys
Good
I can have it to you by the beginning of next week.
All right thank you very much
Phyllis, Brachen Auto?
Ask for Donald. Karen's bananas
Okay
T-Bag-Bone
Andrew
DWIGHT Hold on, one second
Have you noticed a little bit of a mood shift around here?
No. I haven't noticed anything
Really? Because I sat next to Stanley for years and this is nap time.
Open eye nap time. He balances the phone on his shoulder
and just powers down
Now look at him
You've got to unleash the power of the pyramid
I don't know what to tell you, man
Do you think it has something to do with that incentive program?
Oh, 100% We all want to see you tattoo your ass
Uh.
I think people thought I was kidding when I said that.
No. You definitely weren't kidding.
That came across loud and clear.
Oh, by the way, I want to hand this in
120 points?
Yeah. Big sale
Don't worry about it, though I don't really care about the points
I would like a point receipt though
Hey, yes this is Jim Halpert calling for Donald.
Can you hold on for one second? Thank you very much
Who talked to Maggie at Kaufman's?
And I'm back How are you, sir?
I think you can squeeze a couple more golf games in, right?
Where's Angela? Angela, these are yours
Hey, Kevin, what are you doing?
Don't talk to me
Yeah
Hi. Professor Frank Andy Bernard, class of '95
Hey there, I'm a huge fan of your management book Management.
Uh, quick question I may be missing a chapter here:
"De-incentivizing." What are your strategies?
I'm looking for a real blow to morale
Uh, why?
Well, um
I guess you could say I'm in one of those
classic ass-tattoo-incentive situations.
Took 'em one day
Are you ready?
I like it. I like it
Okay, keep in mind, it's not too late to choose another prize
and there are some great new additions
My car. For 1,000 points
Or best offer
What else you got?
Oh, and then this was Phyllis' idea.
Oh Oh!
So nasty, Phyllis
Oh, my God
We were hoping you could do something like this
So coming out of his butt is a
Baby
Baby. Yes
Yeah. No problem
We should think about this Does anyone have any better ideas?
I like what we have
Yeah, nice try
It's pretty edgy
I just need a second outside
You getting psyched up? Yeah.
Andy, nobody really expects you to go through with this.
Toons, what am I doing here?
Why did Robert pick me?
Confession, I don't know what I'm doing
I mean do you like it?
You having fun?
I'll tell you this everybody else is having a lot of fun
And you did that
My ass is only so big. I mean I can't do this every day
But I think it's big enough to buy you some time
until your next great idea.
Which, by the way I can't wait for
No one expects me to go through with this, right?
Absolutely not
Let's ink my stink
Yeah
My heart belongs to music but my ass belongs to these people
Whoa
Do your worst
Uh, you can keep your pants on actually
If you just drop them down a bit that'd be great.
They are already off my good sir.
I'd really prefer they not be down
Well, I think down's better Sweating pretty heavily down there
Do you think you could work from this?
We made some small adjustments
Okay, you want me to
Just those few adjustments Yeah.
All right. Let's begin
This is where I grin and bear Ow, ow!
That was just a cotton swab
Invest in softer cotton, sir
Ow
Oh
Obviously you can go the ass tattoo route
and obviously I'm going to like it.
Draw some blood Ha-ha!
Why did I choose Andy to run the office?
Because he's all surface, uncomplicated. What you see is what you get.
It could be a recipe for mediocrity, yes.
But then again, it might just be why people fight for him.
It's a Nard dog
That's my nickity name
I love it. I love it
Pull up your pants
There's something about an underdog
that really inspires the unexceptional
Um, what should we talk about?
Well, we could talk about an ethical dilemma I'm having.
Oh, yeah, sure I hope I can help
A coworker of mine is drinking caffeine while pregnant
and I don't know if I should call social services about it
Angela, that's pretty transparently me
Maybe
You know it's just herbal tea
In mugs with trace amounts of coffee
Yeah. I think you should call social services
I already did
You know, maybe we should just have our own pregnancies
and not pretend like we're in this together
Fine